It is all here!

THOUGHTS FROM THE END OF MARCH

People, this entry has grown some length. Some people tend to mind it, and some do not. As an author of this blog, I want to bring up the thoughts I have seeded in my mind, that this could be the last entry ever posted to this blog. The timeline of every blog has an end. Some sooner, some later. I may not have the time. I enjoy writing these little posts now and then, but nowadays I feel that my entries lack the things that used to keep my blog interesting for the readers. I have less anxiety, depression and problems to write about.

My blog has grossed nice amounts of traffic, and some people have developed reading my blog as a daily or a weekly routine, from which I'd like to thank the people reading. Perhaps this is the goodbye or not, but farewell for the moment.


I'm spending quality time back at home. Mostly dancing and reading, chilling out and listening what the life brings and typing down these little observations. And looking stars. I love the pitch-black sky and the stars bathing in the athmospheric disturbances. I love seeing the ring of our galaxy, dimly, but clearly visible with a telescope. When I grow roots someday, I will most definitely invest on quality telescope, and start this hobby for real.

Stars I love, and I love the planets. Everything above us, the sky and things that in there lie.



SET I

The world has finally set, and I feel like fitting the picture.

I have began to sell my stuff. My PC workstation has to go; I already found a buyer for that: my folks. My sister is taking my old laptop, as I am going to get a new one. I'm also selling my amplifier. If I can't get a buyer for that, I'm storing it for use *when* and *if* I come back. My personal stuff I'm going to store at my parents' place. Four or five bulky boxes will do, and a pair of spacy black plastic bags for the clothes I'm leaving here. Of course I'm annoyed to do this again, back up my belongings and relocate. I just got here! But life's full of compromises, and I will adapt to them.

I'm going to write about my relocation below, in more detail.

ARRANGEMENTS PART I

I started the preparations quite early; as soon as I got the news and came back home.

The first thing is to declare myself free of service, meaning the Finnish Defence Forces, which still seem to want my services, which I aren't too keen to provide. I don't miss the Finnish Defence Forces, and I have this odd feeling that they won't miss me either. I'm going to have a medical check-up soon, and I guess I can't go even if they accept ("take") me in. Moving abroad for a timeframe 'unknown' is definitely going to be a problem for them. They'd just better to let go of me.

The second issue is to free me from the Finnish social security system. I read that I'm going to be transferred to the Irish system. I'm also part of the Irish pension system, I believe. My mother has worked in Sweden, and she has went trough the same thing. Basically Finland won't be paying my medicare anymore, this is because of the EU labour legistlation, and my would-be status as an Irish employee. Where I pay my taxes, from there I get my social security.

I also checked the fares for plane tickets and how often there are flights enroute. I believe that wherever I need to go, I just fly to London, either Stansted or Heathrow, and take a plane forward from there than just taking a direct flight. This is more cost-efficient. Ryanair, I believe the company is Irish based, has many routes within Great Britain, and routes from London to Tampere, from which I can take the train to Oulu or Helsinki. Tampere is Ryanair's hub in Finland. The largest hub is in London's Stansted. They won't fly from Heathrow because of the greater costs involved. The cost of airfield operations, such as catering, field services, plane parking space and etchetera, are more expensive there, at Heathrow. Instead of that, they use the more remote field, Stansted. It's a bit further from the city, but that is a minor point when you're travelling with a budget like mine. I think London will play very important role for me. It's the place where all the cheap flights depart.

Obviously I'm going to need a decently priced flat in Dublin. I'm expecting to get help from the hiring company with this matter. My salary is okay, as well are the working hours, holidays and my benefits.

Hopefully everything works out and I'll enjoy my time there. I think the chances for this are laid before me. I just need to take the right passage. I believe my career there won't leave on this step. Quite the contrary. But still, wish me the best luck.

YES, THE DYING POPE GOT MY ATTENTION

Let's talk about the Pope. He is there in Vatican --- not-quite-so-alive-looking. This note is interesting because I have been reading Dan Brown's "Da Vinci Code". It's quite ingenious piece of literature. I bought the paperback from Helsinki. The English version cost me only three euros, so it was a real bargain! Well, anyways. The book presents the church in a new angle. Although it is a fictious thriller (and they're making a movie from it - someone already bought the rights!), it has a point there. Just take from my heed and try reading the book if it passes by. Grab it. Violently grab it!

I bought these weights many weeks ago. Two 2 kg handweights. They have done the trick. I can feel the power surging through me! Well, not so, but I have developed a routine, a sort of fitness program. Maybe I should begin to use the gym. I have increased my time spent on exercise and the results are positive, seen everywhere on and in me. I think the most natural thing I can do is to continue this, or even better: increase the training.

I did look at the map of Dublin. The innercity is about the size of Helsinki. About half a million people. Counting the suburbs and satellite towns, there lives 1.1 million people. The official rating in charts for the city of Dublin says 1.1 million people living in the city. It is supposed to be double of what Helsinki. The pictures tell me it's a modern city. A hybrid combining new and old. I think I will like the city. I think I will have to. I would hate to live in a city which I don't like.


SURELY WE WILL MEET AGAIN?

Next weekend, something really nice is supposed to happen.

I'm having a date! Yes, indeed! I hope it goes alright. I'm not nervous, maybe I should be, but I am not. I think I know the person well enough to trust. I'm smiling, letting my imagination run wild, as the weekend gets nearer. I wish that we both enjoy the time we are sharing with each other. I hope there will be more occasions like that. I wish it all proves worth the work we both, I think, have done. No one knows what the evening brings. I think we're both a bit shy and introvertic souls. I think I sort of like this combination. I have no ideas, yet, how we are going to spend the evening. My best guess would be a movie, perhaps pizza in between, and then going to a bar and see some live performance. What happens after that, well ... I think I'll leave something for the imagination, and some things aren't just proper to write here! Probably we will apart and both head to home for a good night's sleep, seeing nice dreams. Probably.

___


THOUGHTS FROM THE BEGINNING OF APRIL


ORDEALS AND VOCABOLARY EXPANSION

I've got about twenty days to deal with things here. Because then I'm gone. I've got so many practical things to think about! You people wouldn't believe the amount of things I need to deal with before jumping to the plane! Not only that - Imagine the mess at the destination. - I need to get a new bank account, find a flat, fill the flat with mandatory household stuff, sign gas & electricity deliveries and such. And in the mean time, do some work, study, socialize and climate myself to the local ropes.

I'm not sure whether I should get a passport or not. It is supposed to be EU and my current identification should be enough for the officials in Ireland. I need to get into this matter in more detail, and soon. Perhaps you can tip me out?


COMPUTE, MR. ROBOTO

I'm going to get this ADSL line I've been waiting for over a month or so. Now it will open and I will be able to enjoy it for a week. Possibly two, if I get lucky. I can't have everything, can I?

I think I've got a buyer for my Philips amplifier and speakers. My 19" monitor is still waiting a buyer. I'm also planning to sell my IBM laptop and buy new one. I'm avoiding to take too much of electrical appliances with me there, because I have this faint memory that the power cords, the plugs, are different there. The voltage is supposed to be the same, so I only need cheap adapters.


AIRLINE EXECUTIVE SPEAKS BOLLOCKS

I'm thinking to take the train to Tampere, fly from there to London Stansted, and take a plane from Stansted to Dublin. The plane will take a short land in Stockholm or Copenhagen and then continue to London. Ryanair has quite cheap route from Tampere to London the only negative side being the departure will take place from Tampere. I might be faster to take Blue1 route to Helsinki, take some cheap route from Helsinki to London, Heathrow, and from there to Dublin. I really don't have to bother about the costs, because the hiring company will reimburse my costs. However, because I get the money afterwards, I need to be cautious not to take too expensive route. Finnair seems to have the most expensive route, costing way over 1000 euros. If I use the lower-fare carriages and use one to two extra hours for the trip, I can get to Dublin for 300-400 euros. I would say that looking and comparing the different airlines is good for one's wallet. Finnair has overpriced itself. Scandinavian Airlines is more like an option. Ryanair is cheap, but has the oddest airfields it's operating from. The company cannot afford to use larger fields because of the costs. It would not be able to provide such low prices if it would be operating from Helsinki or Oulu, I guess.

[ addon: I just watched the news and Ryanair has flashed the option to start using Oulu Airport 'its routes ]

The cheapest option is to take a hike to Norway and then swim over the sea, walk over Scotland and swim to Ireland. I bet I could socialize my grandpa's row-boat for good use.


I'M FEELING LIKE WRITING MORE

I just noticed that I crypted one of my directories. The thing is, I used this calligraphic system on my drawing pad. I have no idea what sort of signature I made for myself. Luckily the data I encrypted isn't too valuable. But that sort of thing qualifies me as an arse. What a stupid thing to do.

A friend sent me a lengthy email today. I was nice, the more there is text, the more I enjoy. I hadn't got the time to answer, but perhaps I could spare a penny or two to phone him.

My bank account show a balance over six hundred euros just a day or two ago. Then I paid my rent and all the bills, noticing the balance dropping to twenty euros. Not to mention, that I spent a lot of money (considering) in the city last night, when I met this person I earlier spoke about. But it was all worth it. Actually, I was spending in the city in two occasions.

The first night I spend with another friend, we went to see this Finnish group called Tiktak, and it was all fun. That night I also bought the most expensive beer of all time I have ever encountered. And the gig also cost. Then I went to my friend's place to sleep and hurried to my sister's place to wait for the mystery person to arrive and hook up with him in the city. As we did.

I'm afraid that I cannot carry on without any extra financial support. Before I start to get paychecks, the time between I need to rely on charity, basically. Luckily I have a financially-on-solid-grounds-being grandfather. But I have no intentions to get the money for free. I consider it as a loan, which will be paid back. I also got one other loan to pay to another friend. I have got some loan from a financial institute as well, some kilo euros of student loan. Well, enough of my finances.

GOOD COMPANY


I cannot get rid of this business concept I once generated. I took it a bit further, and scrapped it! But! I got a new idea! As I am unable to run business from now on the form I planned (being too time consuming), I decided to plan some small scale operations I can do beside my job.

The thing is, if you want success, the thing you need to do is to drop out the words "if" and "want" from the beginning of this sentence. It turns to "you success". I think that guideline can be used to generate wealth and some sort of happiness in short scale. I think the wealth itself isn't the thing desired, but nice addon that helps to cumulate the real thing, the right type of balance and happiness to one's life.

I beginning to be comfortable with the idea, that I have got plenty of immaterial property stored in my head that I can sell for a good price.


HEADACHE, THE PILLS CAUSE IT

I have a horrible headache. It is because of these damn pills. I need to change these soon.

How would I describe you how bad my headache is? It's always in my mind, the first thing on my mind. It is bad. I don't know what migrene feels like, but I bet this headache would disturb anyone.

(a pause)

I thought about this. Perhaps I'm overloading too much burden on me (yet again). I have many things going on at the moment. When I now think about it, it is no wonder that I'm having these occasional headaches. Makes me think. Well, I am a mental case anyways. I'd better to cope and leave the rest without any extra pondering. Accept whatever comes. Losing a battle is sometimes imperative in order to win the war. But it makes me think what I would have become without this shit I have went trough. Although, human beings are, as a complete, knit together from the gone and went-thru life, both in good and bad. Should I be enlightened, after this conclusion? I can conclude a lot. But it is sad that I write a thousand page book, and miss the point I wrote there. One can say things, even after having a serious thought, and not implementing the essence to the reality - getting a better grip to the world. Makes me think. The world's flooding on me. It can happen.

Opossumi on 04.07.05 @ 06:00 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

Moving again

I got the job I applied for. I'm moving to Dublin, Ireland for one year, according to the plan.

Okay. I just thought I had settled down and something new came. I have not lived in my current apartment no more than twenty days or so, and I'll have to do this once again. This time it will be a bit harder, coping with a new job, new culture and being there quite alone.

I haven't had much time to think about all this, because the news came today. I'll clear my head tomorrow and write something more coherent. I'll be flying back to Oulu tomorrow morning, and my plane to Dublin will leave the second half of next month. The time between I will have to spend organizing my relocationing and removing some strings attached and commitments I've made and obligated myself into herein Finland.

I must get some sleep. The plane is leaving way too early in the morning. I loved my stay here. I guess I will be visiting Helsinki, and more spesific, Otaniemi, more often the coming months and years. Who knows.


Opossumi on 03.22.05 @ 10:14 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

Via your way

Tomorrow I'll hit the road -- grab the plane the first thing in the morning. A quick flight to south, and I am supposed to find my way from Helsinki-Vantaa to Teekkarikylä. The funny thing is, that the local transportation in Helsinki and areas nearby will take longer than the one-hour flight from Oulu to Helsinki.

I have reset my body clock. I'm now sleeping fully, according to the so called rules, from midnight to early morning, staying up the daytime. Good for me.

I'll be updating this blog as soon as I reach my target. If you don't hear from me, assume me lost. I might have taken the wrong bus and found myself from Rovaniemi or some other sinister place.

Opossumi on 03.20.05 @ 10:17 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

In English

Blah. It would break the continuity. I'll keep this in English.
I'm leaving the town. I'm going to Oulu for the weekend, and monday I will fly to Helsinki and spend the beginning of the week in Otaniemi, Espoo.

Enjoy your time.

Opossumi on 03.17.05 @ 08:28 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

Tooosi pitkä kirjoitus

Ding. Dong. The melody. The backdrum. Silence! ... And the conductor taps a couple of times with his tool and the symphony begins.

I'm not too keen to write about my problems anymore. All I want to write are the less meaningful stuff. I have a spesific person to talk with about these more personal issues. I do enjoy the stage were things are not too complicated. Just casual talking and getting to know each other. Whatever comes after that I'm willing to worry then, not now.

I got my first electricity bill. A whopping bill it was. 840 euros per year. That's almost 80 euros per month just for the electricity. I was expecting a figure like that, but it was a bit higher than expected. I've got no immediate hurry to cut down the consumption. I've heard an old saying that one can save from everything else but living. Well, summer is coming and I can disable the heating centre. Although it doesn't help me to reduce the bill anymore. It's the 840 euros and that's what I've got to pay.

I've been thinking to stop drinking coffee and replacing that with tea. Tea colours teeth easily, but perhaps I can live with that if I brush my teeth more frequently. Or use some wonder-powder once a week that bleaches my teeth.

I watched 'Cruel Intentions' yesterday. The over-characterized villains of the movie made me think that that can't be too far from the real world. There are many levels of being evil. More subtle and sinister. Something clearly visible and more cold and calculated cunningness. If I would be the arch type of evil, I would want to be the villain mastermind, not the guy who bulldozes skycrapers with rockets. I did also watch Francis Ford Coppola's Apocalypse Now Redux. Kurtz was evil, but was he really that bad? Certainly he did chop heads excessively ... but. The movie was visually beautiful. I loved the surfing general.

Today I rearranged my desktop. I deleted icons and moved them around, and even changed the background picture. How dull am I?

I'm going to get the drivers' license. I need to visit the police station to ask a few questions since my father is going to do the teaching. It saves me a whole lot of money, and allows me to drive and study as I want the fraction of the cost of authorized driving school. I think I need to reserve 400 euros for the whole process. Maybe more, but 400 euros seems to be quite realistic number. The car I am supposed to drive is a Toyota Yaris Verso. It has a diesel engine, which is a good thing: I can't get the engine to stop because of the torque of the engine. When I have driven cars with petroleum engines I just release the clutch too quickly and the engine stops. I'm not a good driver, and won't become any better. At least I'm going to learn all the signs and rules of the roads, I hope.

I need to get a car. It's mandatory because I live here where I live. Some cheap wheels. Twenty years old Nissan Cherry, you can't tell its colour because it has faded away (if you can see something because of the rust layer). When you get into the car and push the pedals a hole appears onto the car floor. When you turn the ignition you have made yourself to vanish from the universe, as the massive smoke cloud hides you and everyone near you. Then you kick the gas pedal and the thing starts to move. Then some drunken driver hits my Nissan Cherry with his Volvo V70 and I die, and the Volvo driver doesn't even notice my car being pulverized. What a happy ending. Why did I choose Volvo for the drunken driver? Well, perhaps it is because I don't generally like the idealistic happy-camper and middle class vision of a happy marriage, two children, a dog and a Volvo. Volvo driver's are often evil. Almost as bad as

If I would have the money and all the power, I would drive Sisu five-axle truck. At least I wouldn't die in a car. But I wouldn't want to be the one to collide with my truck ... God Bless SUVs and eighteenwheelers! It's the time for the Truck Driving Song! "I love my rig ...". I've got that song in StepMania. It's rather hilarious.

I guess it's the time of the philosophical shite of this entry. I just can't leave any entry without!

I'm supposed to be at the height of happiness, the Gaussian curvature's peak point, like someone near me said. I am, sort of. I've got only one more obstacle to go and I can truly say that.

A friend called me. I haven't heard of him in months. He called me in the middle of the night and cried like a baby. There's nothing bad to cry like a baby when the world is being harsh on you. I cry, too. Well, the crying isn't the point. The thing that he called me was nice. He wasn't the only one calling me that night. I send a text message to another old friend and he decided to call me instead of replying to my short message. And one person send me a text message about my previous blog entry. He did that once before. I'm not accustomed to that sort of attention concerning my blog. I hardly get no comments at all (now I can't receive them because the blog's broken), and text messages sent in person make me feel good. I consider those as precious tokens that someone is actually reading my blog and finding the content thought-provoking and interesting in many ways. That sort of moments gives me the faith to carry on. These aren't just empty words for me, and it is all the better if someone else is considering them worthy.

Jesus.

The job offer I once got and then were a bit hesitative about it, is here back again to lure me. I'm going to Helsinki for a job interview next week. I already booked the plane tickets and got myself accommodation. I wonder how it all will turn out. I'm quite confident. If I won't be in the top notch, I'm able to squeeze myself into the next best lot. I need to whore myself in. This time I'm not selling my body, but my intellectual property, sort of. If I can prove them that they can't survive without me, which they sort of can't, the people like me, it's a bugger for them.

I'm wondering and a bit worried how this is going to change things, if I'll be chosen. I hope it won't change things. I've thought about this, and made my conclusion that this won't change anything. It will be just an year off. One year excursion, or even shorter. I may not even like the place! It's like one year service in the military. Or two school seasons. And I will be visiting Finland very often, I think. Christ, the air routes are cheaper than long distance bus route from Oulu to Ivalo or so! And I will get paid, I've got the money. More than I have had ever before, more than I could ever want. And I won't be too far away. There are ways to keep in touch. Webcams, voice-over IP calls, emails, IRC. The distance is all in our heads. I'm actually further away from everyone where I know live, than I would be then; jumping to a plane and flying to Finland, than running to a bus and travel an hour to the transport hub of Northern Finland and from there to everywhere. Like I said, the distance doesn't mean anything when the flight takes less than two hours from city to city.

I will have, in case I succeed in the interview, some practical problems to solve. At least I don't need to drop out my apartment which I just got and moved into. I could pay it as well, as well living abroad. I would be going really soon if I get the chance to take the job. It would start quite soon.

I can't really fail this. And if I do that, I won't be crying. I've got two just as interesting plans to carry out. If this one fails, I've got my business to start. I can't really fail, which ever of those two happens to crash. There is always a back-up. I would be an idiot if I wouldn't try my chances. I'm most certain that I would regret any other decision in later life.

I don't like living in the past and regretting my decisions.

Then the best thing to do is to live on the moment and do the thing which takes the more courage. I think that guideline will save me from lot of trouble of regretting. I would say I've got 70% chance of getting the job. But I will make sure that the rest of the percentage won't be left in chance, but used till the last drop. Wish me luck. But hell, I'm not even sure if I want to succeed! If I fail, I might be reliefed. If I get it, it will feel bad to turn down the offer. This is tricky.

One more thing.

I want to apologize that I haven't fixed the commenting feature yet.
But my email works! Mail me, it's otacon@catarrhalis.net!

Eipä tuosta enkuksi kirjoittamisesta tule oikein vittuakaan. Siihen ei vaan saa puserrettua kylliksi sellaista tunnetta kuin kirjoittaessa äidinkielellä. Kaipa se on jonkinlainen osoitus siitä, että suomalaisen natiivin enkku ei riitä edes kohtalaisen hyvänä mihinkään kovin taidokkaaseen. Ehkä edes tuo ei ole ongelma. Ehkä ongelma on se että kun suomalainen kirjoittaa englanniksi tekstiä, on siihen hankala tökätä suomen kielisiä sanoja sen vaikuttamatta vähän töksähtävältä. Kornilta tai banaalilta - ehdottomasti oman sanavarastoni listoilla viimeisen puolen vuolen aikana eniten nousseet kaksi yksittäistä sanaa. Tämä yllättävä kielenvaihto olkoon tällainen testi. Kun muutenkin tuppaan toimimaan kovin impulsiivisesti, niin miksi en yht'äkkiä vaihtaisi tämän blogin kieltä suomeksi, ja tekisi jotain suurta ulkoasu-uudistusta myös samassa? Minulla on kyllä ihan aikuisen oikeasti syitä kirjoittaa suomeksi, mutta saisinpa tökittyä näitä nykyisiä ei-natiiveja opiskelemaan suomea aktiivisemmin. Toisaalta minua rasittaa ajatus, että vaihdan suomeen. Joutuisin ylläpitämään ajatuksistani kahta haaraa kahdella kielellä, kahdelle ryhmälle. Joku valopaa voisi nyt keksiä kysyä minulta, että miksi nähdä moinen vaiva, miksi yleensä selittää asioita muille noin tarkkaan? Jos joku valopää esittäisi minulle tuollaisen kysymyksen, niin enpä osaisi heti vastata. Hyvä kysymys siis. Varmaankin kompulsiivista kirjoittamistani ajaa eteenpäin jonkinlainen syvä mieleen joskus elämänvaiheessa iskostunut trauma, että olen joskus ollut huono kirjoittaja ja halunnut tulla paremmaksi. Kirjoittamaanhan oppii vain kirjoittamalla. Ei tämä aika ole kuitenkaan hukkaan vietetty. Tämä kehittää kaikenlaista hauskaa ihmisen pollassa, vaikka ei kirjoitukset niin paljon merkitsisikään. Minun tapauksessa yritän kyllä laittaa vähän ajatusta näihin, ja hiukan panostaa. Ka-boom. Kuuntelen nyt Absoluuttista Nollapistettä. Näillä on kyllä erinomaisen loistavia kappaleita. Sopivan neuroottista. Tällaista ylirunollista populaarimusiikkia. Ei mene kuitenkaan korniksi, vaikka tiedän läjän ihmisiä jotka luonnehtisivat tätä tekotaiteelliseksi paskaksi. Laittakaa nimi muistiin. En kyllä tiedä ketään ihmistä, joka ihan oikeasti ottaisi, esimerkiksi tällaisista blogikirjoituksista vaarin, ja todella tutustuisi suositeltuun poppooseen, kirjaan tai elokuvaan. Toisaalta, eipä minun blogi olekaan ihan tavallinen, eivätkä ole lukijatkaan sen puoleen.

Niin. Olisin siis lähdössä ulkomaille duuniin, jos Luoja suo. Irlantiin veisi matka, Dubliniin tarkemmin sanottuna. Kohdemaakin ehti vaihtua tuossa yhdessä välissä, alkuun minua tarjoteltiin tuonne Skotlantiin, Glasgowin lähelle. Parempi kai tuo Irlanti on. Halvan verotuksen ja ihmeellisen skottiviskin maa. Ei kukaan enää osta skotlantilaista viskiä. Irlannissa ne tislataan. Tutkin jo viime vuonna hiukan elämisen hintoja siellä. Vaikuttaa ihan pikku-Suomelta. Paitsi ne verot, jotka eivät ole suuren suuret. Ja irlantilaiset tekevät näkemykseni mukaan parempia asuntoja kuin tuolla isommalla saarella. Eivät pirulaiset ole vielä edes löytäneet kunnon vedensekoittimia. Ikkunatkin vetävät ja - jumalauta - ne kokolattiamatot. Suihkustakin tulee lämmintä vettä jos tulee. Ei heti uskoisi että esimerkiksi Englanti on Euroopan rikkaimpia maita, ja rikas G9-teollisuusmaa. Vedensekoitin määrää kansakunnan tason!

Yritin soittaa äsken eräälle hepulle, mutta hän ei vastannut. Voi itku ja sääli ja nyyhkis. Ehkäpä hän soittaa minulle. Soitti eilen ainakin. Se on hyvä asia, että ei aina itse soita ensin. Tietää että jotain juttua on, että ei ole kuollut. Se juttu siis.

Sain vuodelta 2003 veronpalautuksia. En jaksanut koskaan ulosmitata omia palautuksiani verotoimistosta, vaikka ne lähettelivät niitä tilinsiirtolappuja. Nyt tuli sellainen tavallaan henkilökohtaisempi muistutus. Palautinpa niille mukamas tilinumeroni. Raha lämmittää aina. Ja kymmenen prosentin korko. Valtio maksaa kivaa korkoa palautuksilleen. Pieni rahanahne perseporvari nousee esille, ja mietin ajatusta että maksaa valtavasti yliveroa ja makuuttaa niitä valtion kontolla. Se olisi kiva investointi, esimerkiksi saada kymmenen tuhannen veronpalautukselle vuoden makuuttamisella kymmenen prosentin koron. Luultavasti tuollaiset porsaanreiät on tukittu. Aika varmasti.

Naapurini on aika ihmeellinen tapaus. Sellainen vähän vanhemmanpuoleinen täti-ihminen. Sillä on rauhanmerkkiä mm. ulko-ovessa, ja jotain trollifiguureja roikkuu katosta ja muuta vastaavaa. Nyt se on kiinnittänyt jonkinlaisen lehtiartikkelin oveensa. En ole lukenut sitä tarkemmin, mutta uskon että se on tarkoitettu minulle. Tai itse asiassa, katsoin sitä vähän tarkemminkin. Kirjoittelen asiasta joskus myöhemmälti, mikäli jotain raportoitavaa ilmaantuu. Muuten täällä on aika rauhallista elää. Ei kuulu seinän takaa mitään amispoppia, kopinaa, huutoa ja rääkymistä, kovaäänistä naimista tai jotain muuta ärsyttävää tapinaa. Naapurit ovat kaikkiaan harmittomia tapauksia, jotka haluavat pysyä omissa oloissaan, kuten minäkin. Vähiten haluan alkaa joka aamu postilaatikolle kipittäessäni mihinkään usean minuutin aamuminglaukseen.

Jos jään tänne asumaan, ja työtarjous menee sivusuun, tai hylkään sen, pitänee tilata Kaleva jossain vaiheessa. Tämäkin syrjäkylä siirtynyt aamujakeluun, ja lehden saa aamiaispöytään. Ennen sai odottaa päiväpostin mukana sitäkin.

Tämä autokoulu rasittaa minua noin ajatuksena. Kortti on pakko hankkia, ja kaipa minä tulen ajamista ihan kivana asiana pitämään, ja autolla liikkumista noin muutenkin mukavana, mutta tämä on rasittava prosessi. Tämä autokoulu tai kotiopetus. Kotiopetus on nyt toki parempi kuin autokoulu. Saan ajella milloin huvittaa ja missä vain, ja toki enemmän kuin autokoulun ajotuntien määrä. Rasittaa kuitenkin aloittaa koko prosessi, kun yksityisautoilu noin muuten on vähän turhaa. En perustele sitä luontoarvoilla, päinvastoin, vaan sillä, että ihmiset voisivat noin yleensä olla paikallaan vähän enemmän :). Esimerkiksi työ olisi, ikävä kyllä vain ideaalimaailmassa, kiva siirtää kodin viereen, tai toisinpäin. Täällä korvessa pääsee todistamaan sellaistakin ihmettä, että päivittäiset työmatkat ovat 130 kilometriä. Väki ajaa ihan tasaisen tappavaa tahtia viisi kertaa viikossa Ouluun duuniin ilman sen ihmeempää ketutusta. Saavatpahan verotuksessa takaisin matkakuluja. Ja mikäs tuota pitkää väliä isolla autolla ja vakionopeudensäätimellä ajaessa. Niin. Pitää minullakin se auto hankkia. Joku iso bensasyöppö Volvo, tai vanha dieselin reuhka. Sitten saa maksaa vakuutuksia ja kaskoja kiloeuron vuodessa ja tuohon vielä bensat. Ei ole liikkuminen Suomessa halpaa. En periaatteessa enkä käytännössäkään halua Suomen kaltaisessa maassa kuunnella kaupunkilaisvihreiden dyykkareiden ja hippien vikinää yksityisautoilusta. Jos olisin porvari, ajaisin tankilla, koska se olisi turvallisinta ja mukavinta (vrt. tankki as in SUV). Kaikki ajaisivat. Kaikki tavikset varmaan, joilla ei ole suuria intohimoja asian, kuten ympäristön, suhteen. Köyhän on kiva olla ympäristöä säästävä idealisti, kun ei ole rahaa kuin polkupyörään tai jalkaisin tepasteluun, kuten minä.

Maija Vilkkumaa on kyllä kiva laulaja. Sanoittaapa kappaleensa vieläpä. Merkittävää siksi, että ihan hyvin sanoittaakin. Eipä siitä sen enempää.

Olen nostellut tässä painoja viimeisen viikon aikana. Ostin mukamas tällaiset puolen kilon painot Steppu-sessioihin. Ajattelin että ne voisivat olla Steppun kanssa tohinoidessa ihan kivat. Eipä ole tullut niitä oikein käytettyä. Sen sijaan päätin ostaa vähän raskaampaa rautaa. Nyt nostelen tällaisia kahden kilon painoja. Varmaankin tarvitsen erityisen suunnitelman kuinka toimia, koska epäsäännöllinen riuhtominen ei ole kovin kannattavaa. Ajattelin että hetken leikin noilla kahden kilon painoilla ja sitten tietysti hankin lisää metallia käsipainon päähän. Olen toiveikas että kesään mennessä jaksan jo nostaa kahden ja puolen desilitran kermatölkin. Jos en, niin jatkan eloani nykyisellä letkuruokinnalla. Tuossa on kuntoratakin vieressä. Nyt siellä on hiihtolatuja ja kelkkareittejä. En ole oikein innostunut hiihtämisestä. Hiihtäminen on muuten kauhean kuuloinen sana. Millainen verbi onkaan kun joku hiihtää? Tapaavat myös selittää kovin. Murtomaahiihto ei ole juttuni. Jätän hiihdon myllylöille, isometsille ja muille epohormonoiduille DDR-junasta aikoinaan jääneille.

Nonih. Eiköhän tässä ollut kirjoitukseni loppu. Joskus voisin kirjoittaa jotain sheittea novellimuotoon, kunnon dramaturgisin apuvälinein ja keinoin. Sellaisen, jossa olisi alku, keskikohta ja loppu. Loppu.

Opossumi on 03.15.05 @ 07:20 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

Hello

My sleeping habits are plain wrong.

Yesterday was the worst of the week. I did stay up a long time, and then the problems came. I was unable to get any sleep, even that I had been up for so long. Eventually I got to sleep, but the hours were tornmenting.

What I most hate being rendered uncapable to work (due the lack of net connection) is the fact that I can't be toying my blog. This blog is a bit broken now. Users are unable to submit comments and I am unable to fix errors. I really hate there being typos and grammatical errors that I cannot fix as I see them.

There isn't too much to say about my life, nothing too interesting has arisen.

I made lasagne today. Cooked it in the oven and it came all good. My life, luckily, isn't this boring - it wasn't the highlight of the day.

I've been thinking to drop alcohol from my diet. I don't drink that much anyways. There is so called 'reasonable level' set by the doctors and wise men and women in the government. My drinking would be way below that line. What I would do is to drop beer out, and all the very strong liquids. Maybe I won't stop drinking small amounts of wine. They say wine is good for one's health. Look at the French, they seem to do quite good. Look at the Russians. But vodka isn't wine, see.

My friends don't really drink. And those who drink, they're not alcoholics, but they know good hang-over when they're in one.

I'm tired. I'm going to sleep a few hours. The time is 2:05 in the morning, and I haven't been up that long. My sleeping habits, like said, are just wrong and erratic. But~ I'd better to follow the instructions of my body and get some sleep. Good night.

Before ending this entry, I might want to point out that there were a considerable amount of text about my possibly-on-going relationship. What I decided was not to write anything about it here. The idea just didn't feel comfortable. I'm feeling comfortable when you people don't know everything about me and my life :).

I hate being without the connection. My life is on email and I haven't been able to check that for weeks. I'm afraid that some portion of my email will "get old" when I'm not there to retrieve them. Getting old means that the server doesn't hold them no longer than two or four weeks and after that they're deleted or something similar. That would be very annoying and stupid from the admins of the server, but I cannot really tell what's their operating guideline about this sort of things.

Nowadays, most people don't use email that much. At least the people of my age. It must be two reasons. No urge, and nobody else 'important' is using it. I don't really communicate with my friends through email, but the rest I do is basically done by email. I wish more people would send me email. I wonder why this people who tend to hang around in IRC don't use their compulsive needs to write to email. Is it because of our humane, very egosentric relation to everything, and we don't want to 'waste' our words to such a small audience? Is it because were so alienated from intimate and personal discussions? Whatever it is the reason, it's not my problem.

Did you know that Gorbachev was a pisces? I'm an idealist, but not very cosmopolitan character. There are borders for me to across left.

This entry, yet again, is getting very lengthy. I really need to concentrate on this and cut down the length. It seems like there is a huge timeframe of entries to fill, and I need to push and somehow compensate the previous lack of them.

I'll tell you how I do these entries. I have a plain text document on my desktop which I edit with Windows Notepad. I write these thoughts in the lone hours of the night, inspired some nice music that fits the occasion. When I get ready, I stuff the document onto a memory stick and deliver it to a place where a net connection exists. You figure the rest.

I'm supposed to keep a home welcoming party. I do want to keep such an event. There are some practicalities to think about. One big question is to how many parts I have to split it. There is no way I can get everyone under the same roof the same day. I've got way too many friends coming (fingers crossed) and one hell of a distance to everyone.

I think it's odd that someone finds me interesting, and perhaps even attractive. I'm quite straight-forward type if you ask me. Although, I tend to make myself tangled to more complicated strings of life, and there goes the simplicity ... I have set a few basic qualities that I want from a person, that will meet the 'demands' I've set. The person must be intelligent and witty. Academic education may not be the answer (me also, not having such). Some of the academic people I know can be the most boring and empty-headed tincans. The intelligence I'm after is different quality, and it has more depth in it than the surface. It's something that you have, or you don't have. It is not like a constant test going on. It's a thing that you estabilish only once, and after that it is there, and I don't need constant reminders or 'proof' of one's wittyness. The person also should have some resemblence to me. Some sort of shared interests. I like diversity, and I most certainly would not like to date myself, so not being too identical is a good thing, too. I would hate if there wouldn't be any surprises coming.

The beginning of paragraph, there's something that I lied about. When I wrote that I'm quite straight-forward type of a person, I lied. I'm not being difficult, or 'hard' character, but I can be complicated. It's not a constant state I'm on. I'm happier when things are going smoothly and I relax time being and living. Perhaps my exagravating my level of 'complicateness'. Maybe I'm just over-cautions and describe myself like that to avoid the damage if someone is about to hurt me by saying that. Maybe I said that because I feel that I'm not on the level of some people, and some people aren't on my level, and this makes me to look and act differently to them.

Some people never get it. "Why that man is thinking so much, that, and those thoughts, aren't making any sense."
I'm just a child who tries to learn from this world as much as he can. I think that is a noble goal everyone should try to reach. I'm happy if I can get even one person to share my world. I can't say I've seen anything amazing, or nice, or I have got insights, profound observations or something to say or share. The only thing I've got is my blurry vision about this world and about us. I've got one empty seat next to me. I'm merely waving a hand and pointing the seat. And the rollercoaster sets to a new ride.

Opossumi on 03.13.05 @ 07:29 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

Buffer flush

mood: ecstatic

No new entry for a long time. My dear audience, here it is.

I've relocated to the new flat I've mentioned many times before, got the keys, so to say. This new apartment is very cosy - and huge (at least in my standards) the same time. I haven't got the broadband connection yet, which is a killer. I've spend most of my days here placing stuff in their proper places and orientating myself to live here the coming years. I think I'll stay here for some time. This place, for me, has all the advantages I could ever want from a place of living. It's quite near to the mandatory public services, and it isn't too far from Oulu either. Living is quite cheap, if we exclude the cost of transportation. Well, that's actually more to tax planning than actual cost of living ... it depends how you fill your reports ... A thing that everyone can and *should* master.

I've a sauna. That's a little, but not an insignificant luxury I am going to let go without mentioning. I've used it everyday since my moving in. I guess I will need to limit it a bit, due to the cost of electricity. Maybe twice, or perhaps thrice a week will do the trick and be sufficient. - I've got a real nice backyard. All I can see are trees as far as my eye can reach. It's all covered by snow now, nothing too interesting to see - but perhaps to be seen? I wonder how it looks when the spring really comes. I hope there isn't a toxic waste plant in my backyard to reveal itself in the spring. I doubt. But a man redies himself for every possible encounter ... Which reminds me to renew my house insurance. Haven't done that yet. It'd be a shame if this place would burn down now - as soon as I got my stuff placed and really got into this play.

So. How do I waste my time here then? One could think that my time is really wasted without the broadband connection, me being unable to get online. Well. Actually I feel quite fine without the connection. Although, I must admit, I miss some people very much. The phone's invented, but feeling as natural as being online and taking the discussion as text. - I read lots. I've mostly read science fiction short novels. I bought those books some time ago from the city and never quite had the time to read them. Now I have the time. I've been enjoying those reading sessions. Time has passed since the last time I really dedicated some personal quality time for me and read books whilst sipping my hot tee with honey.

The flat. This is all set-up. All I miss is my office desktop broken in pieces on the bedroom floor, which needs to be fixed. Currently, I'm having my computer on my kitchen table. And I can use the laptop in the bed and the sofa. I got myself a new bed-sofa. A much larger furniture than the previous one which I traded with my sister. I've got space to waste.

So. I've been reading, listening music --- and most of all, have had time with myself.

Not everything is perfect. When I listen to me, I am hearing that things are not okay. Far from it. Whatever the challenges are, I think they have not ended. I think this is just the beginning of new set of problems in my mind. Perhaps my doctor can give me an insight, but I doubt. What I've noticed that the doctors hardly have time for me and my problems, and even if they do have the time, they're not getting it anyways.

I'm dropping out my anti-depression medication. But this time I won't stop it all by myself. I *will* consult the doctor, but only to do it right - not to ask whether it is okay or not. I'm going to suggest a new medication.

I think I am not a depressed fuck anymore. Never been. That's what I've realized. That fact struck me, not too long time ago. My self-diagnose is making sense, but I wonder ... I've got it wrong once before, so perhaps this time I'm lucky and get the treatment to the right condition. I'm sure I'll never get rid of depression medication completely; meaning I'm taking them in the winter time when it's dark and my body needs the boost. I hope this proves wrong and I can drop that medication. But the other ... I'd say it would suit me much better than this what I am now having. We are only treating the symptoms, not the condition itself. --- Why not to get rid of the cause, not what it produces?


The Memoirs Continue, Right After This Short Break ---


I started to work-out. I mean physical work-out. I think I'll need a new set of weights when I next time visit the city. Also, I've been dancing with Stepmania, which isn't too bad shape-shifter either. I've got no special targets for this, but as the sudden idea of starting to work out struck me, I decided to go with it. Like I have anything else to do? Which quite comfortably brings us to the next subject: What is Opossumi to do?

I'm having a business related discussion with the local employmency office head, who, assumably, is the authority dealing with the issues I am handing on him. I'm most definitely going to start my own business, and what's all better if I happen to get some loan-free government provided money for it. I'm sure they'll love me. Now the issue is, how much they're going to give me. I hope enough. What's enough, then? Well, I'll go for the maximum and see whether they're interested to invest on me. They aren't getting the money back. They're just hoping me to get a self-produced job, which hopefully flourishes, and perhaps I'm able to hire more people and so benefitting the economy and statistics of the county and locals.

[Paragraph removed - ]

I wish it would be more simple. There are two words really associated, and those are "yes" and "no" or something equilevant. But the world doesn't run that way. I wish some people would. I would like to operate like that, not to make things too complicated. They really aren't meant to be too complicated, and they itself aren't, but we people ... We know how to do a big mess by nature. That's the human nature.

I often find this blog useful. It helps me to refine my thoughts. In example, the last paragraph came out good. By all means it is not a sign that I would not be able to communicate myself by no other means than the writings of mine. It means that all the thoughts I've gathered in short-term are easy to pile on here, to this blog. - What I do is dump them here, and realize and think them as I write. Nothing too analytical; just a casual flow of thoughts going on in my brain evolving all by itself. I'm just a bystander with my higher cortial brain functions, and see what my neurons bring out for me to my knowledge! That's the procedure in a nutshell.



I'm twenty now. Born in the Republic of Finland, when times were better to all of us. I aged, from a baby to a child and the world sucked and the economy blew to us, everyone, and our family. Later, I went to school. Many schools, as we moved a lot. Years passed by. It was struggling and I came out as a healthy child even though the circumstances could have been better to all of us. Years passed. Life at general got more stabilize, but that is not to prevent the history to come around haunt you. Some years pass by. Here I am. It took me a while to realize how to live this life. If I would have been classified as the "most people", I would not have ever to go trough this shit what I've. Am I truly to say that I'm happy and proud not to be "the most people"? Well, wouldn't go trough all this again if I had the opportunity to choose. I believe some people are made from the same mold. That's not sad. But I would be sad myself if I was carved out from that mold. I'm not the only lone wolf, that's for sure. I'm an optimist by nature. But I do think that, if I be arrogant, which to I reserve the right, that I am grown to a better person by obstacles and I'm having hard time to think the realities and objectives of those being more fortunate. I'm not bitter to myself. Or anyone near me. If this is what I've became then I'd better to live with the idea. I'm a damn good person and exceptional human being. I've never thought of that, but when the right people say that to me, I believe them. I don't like the idea starting to believe that myself, but I've done what is the most important thing to do; the other people have said that. I've never had to think that by myself, or poke around to make them say that.

It's 00:45 and I just drank a few beers. This was the first night here I didn't warm up the sauna. I woke up quite late. We were in the town shopping earlier today, and when I got home I fell asleep. Woke up 22 hundred and began to watch "American Psyko" on MTV3. I have the piece on DVD, too (as well the original Hitchcock's Psycho, starring oh-ingenious-lovable Anthony Perkins). Now it's early sunday morning. Tomorrow I've got plenty to do - have the meeting with the office head about my business plans. I'd better to run down the workstation and get my laptop running. I'm going to do a neat Powerpoint slide-show which will impress them (not). No, I'll do some SWOT-analysis, risk assesment, income flow speculations, costs and thinking the business concept even further. You know, that's the easy bit. Running your own company isn't trivial, believe me. That reminds me to recall the basics of accounting which I've never quite learned ... Luckily I've got good contacts around the town which'll help me to start. I've had three (actually four ...) years of business education. What I've learned in there must be the tip of an iceberg. Fingers crossed. I want to become a fucking rich bastard and join the Finnish Coalition Party (not). Or be the socialist gay-fucker running business and leeching the government money. Hah. I love the mental image of that. Perhaps I'm able to find something between those two options. Or totally something new. Something new, yes.

I'm just a happy camper.



The Ignorant Fool Who Regrets Nothing
(Like I shouldn't, and you shouldn't either)



I wish to continue writing. People have said that they like to read my entries and think more the text, more the merrier. Empty compliments without meaning or words from the bottom of the heart? I do care, and hope for the first one. I'm about to burst in tears for some reason. This always happens when I've read a remarkable piece of literature and it had had an impact on me. No man can live with only bread and water. Or perhaps can, but I, for sure, want some spiritual fullfilment. Books, for me, open the essence of being human. A nice mission for one's life: trying to understand. Just understand it all, in general. Nothing specific. I guess it will reveal something specific, but I wish not to ponder anything specific. Just it all and every aspect. A nice task to spent the rest of your life.

Umm. I downloaded loads of anime from the P2P networks the week I left my old apartment. What I did was to randomly choose from different anime series and download their episodes. It seems that I should have consulted some anime-database first. Now I just managed to download a whole bunch of hentai series' first episodes. I don't get my kicks from that sort of material. I really don't. And those other anime series that I illegally downloaded ... well. Most of them, you accept it or not, are the same shit. Luckily there are some gems to save the day. Unfortunately I missed all those and got only the junk ...



Milord! I just opened my waterboiler! I was checking my water consumption, and it had totalled 1769 cubic meters. Well, my part of that consumption is well below one cubic metre, though :). Anyways, I got interested where the water goes from the inline pipe. I'm having my own hot water boiler in the kitchen, just next to my refridgerator. It looks just like another fridge. It had some sort of magnetic holders and I displaced them and opened the boiler. What it revealed, it was horrible ... Can't stand it ... There were unbelievable amounts of dust below the thingy! I had vacuumed the belows of the fridge, but forgotten that boiler. As I opened the boiler panel, the small particle dust got airborne and escaped to my apartment!

My grandpas' place has got a hot water boiler also. It heats the water up to 80-90 degrees. They say that's the optimal temperature. My boiler, if I recall right, and read the instruments right, was set to 65 degrees. It has a 275 liter tank. To heat up 275 liters of 15 celsius degree warm water to 80 celsius degrees must whop great amounts of electricity ... I've become a freak about this (since I'm having direct electric heating system, and a huge electricity powered boiler, and not to mention my electric sauna stove!). I'm afraid of the next bill. In my estimations I get minimum of 30 euros per month of electricity cost, and the worst case scenario gives me 50 euro bill per month for the electricity. That all depends the economics of this house, how this was built. The windows are two-fold, the air circulation and exchange is gravity based, and the walls are what they are, can't really say what they are made of (except for the outmost layer, which is wood).

I might want to add more about the electricity cost. I only get the large bills when it's really cold, during the four or five most coldest months. I'm excepting that I can disable the whole heating system for summer time. There's a separate switch for that in the main switch panel.



Something just happened. I sent a text message to this very certain person. This person answered me and, well, I became happy.

There's something very amusing in the picture: a grown man gets under a blanket after sending his text message and waits for the answer. Then the message comes and this man still stays below the blanket banging his head with his knuckles and repeating the mantra "I'm stupid, I'm stupid, I'm stupid". Then this man gets up and checks the text message he got and calmly just concludes: "Okay, I knew this" and smiles, and smiles, and smiles. Somehow I thought there were no happy endings, at least not for me. I'm looking forward how this thing developes. And my smile's still here. I hope it is there too.



Ah. This is becoming the longest entry I've done. There's still space for a few more subjects.

Today, I officially finished my decorations and "feng-shuing" my apartment. I bought a massive poster of HIM's Ville Valo posing in it. Not because I think he's a good looking man, but because I like the man's songs. There would have been David Beckham in the stalls if I would have wanted something good looking, and pictures of a certain person's Oulu visit.

What I miss the most here in peripheria are the stores. Not like I have the money, but I like browsing around. I might as well say that I haven't got any acute financial problems anymore. I got my budget stabilized. However, I won't mind any extra (and sudden) income appearing into my bank account or pockets.



I tried to scan a ten euro banknote. Guess what, the scanning itself worked, but no decent program wanted to open it. I only got annoying messages that those programs (including Paint Shop Pro) don't allow banknotes being processed. I remember that Adobe also has adopted this policy (with Photoshop and ImageReady product line). I wonder whether my machine's willing to make copies from it ... The day my scanner/printer is saying that "I won't allow you to print/scan this material" I'm going to decapitate some people. There's no cencorship on my goddamn lawn! *shotgun shot*



I just spent sixty euros and got myself an ADSL box! Not it only modulates, but it also demodulates, making it a modem! Oh Almighty science! ... And that modem was the luxury item of the month. A really expensive piece of hardware.



Hugging is fun. It's extra fun to hug and cuddle people, especially the ones that you really like. I'm next on the line, awaiting. It's not coming any day too early. My little way giving something, and gaining something. Until then, it is just a dream yet to materialize.

I'm very afraid to use the word 'love'. It's such a strong word I wish not to waste. Whatever there is, it evolves to something or vanishes away. It makes me to think that 'whatever' there is, it may go away by all the rules, but once it gets to love it is something more eternal. Is it too romatic to think that love's eternal? Is this what I think just a little barrier to protect me when I say that love's not the first thing to come, and whatever there is before love may go away, and think, that love is not to vanish.

My dreams. I have hadn't so many dreams in years, or at least it feels so.

I can spend hours in bed thinking about things and living my own little fantasies. Perhaps the reality isn't too far away - this time. The pace we're having now is perfect. Add too much haste and there's no way to steer the ship.



I haven't been doing anything meaningful. I haven't had an Internet connection to the outside world, which has rendered me, a perfect example of an online addict, to a lump of bone and muscle near to a nervous breakdown as I haven't got my chance to get connected as often as neccessary. I've been reading, dancing and watching DVDs. The rest of the time I've spent laying down and letting my imagination work and paint random thoughts and landscapes.

My financial problems are coming onto me. Tomorrow I'm getting a half-solution on them. It's a temporary solution, but will keep the roof upon me. Late spring may bring some extra cash to spend. Until then, it's just me and the Republic of Finland throwing me money. I wish they would be more like the descriptions I've heard of the members of the Coalition party. I wouldn't mind, let me quote, "truckloads of money" arriving.



I'm staying up the whole night. I need to reset my biorhythm. I don't mind my current rhytm really, but some people have mentioned me about it. I like the society being 24 hours, but that quite isn't the case here where I now live. The human built-in clock is about a twenty-five hour cycle. My clock tends to turn around once per three months. I don't keep any watch on it because I don't have any certain places to go at certain hours. I think the modern society has given us the wrong hours to follow. Wouldn't it be more normal to follow your own body's clock? Unfortunately things don't work like that. Not for everyone, mostly there being too much of practical reasons coming to slow you. I'll just keep on dancing between my odd hours and the "normal" hours, being and feeling fully comfortable like this.



I miss one person very much. I wish this person would be here with me.




Opossumi on 03.10.05 @ 10:30 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

Got the keys

music: Born Slippy (Underworld)

Yup, I got the keys to the flat. Now, the thing what I want is to move my stuff there as soon as possible and leave this tiny tincan.

I just checked my bank account balance. It's not looking too bright. I'm gaining some financial stability from the beginning of next month, hopefully, as I get my benefits running. Until then, it's all loan I'm living on. I've got exactly one week to pack my belongings and get them out of here before the next tenant jumps into this hell hole. I'm thinking whether I should warn him about the schizo neighbour. Well, I'll leave that as a surprise.

I'm going offline for a longer period than I first thought. I've got email/IM/Opera/IRC installed on my mobilephone, which I can use in emergencies - meaning, my addiction. I'm expecting the broadband I subscribed to be set online the second week of March. That's three weeks from here. Until then I'm relying on GRPS and modem on my laptop. I think the most important thing for me is to have my MSN Messenger online and frequently be able to check that. I hope the client software I installed on my phone supports MSN Messenger. Gaim I use in Linux supports MSN, so perhaps that I could expect from that client, too.

I like my good old Nokia 7650, but it has limited memory capacity. Four megabytes isn't too much nowadays. It (barely) holds Opera, IM and IRC, and that's just about it. I've been considering getting Nokia 6600 someday. It has a camera, more memory capacity (it has an expansion slot) and 6MByte internal memory. It's also good looking, and has all the features I need and even more. More than a gadged freak such as me could ever want (well, no other than the newest Nokia high-end business model). 6600 is reasonable cheap nowadays.

I'm feeling quite relaxed although I'm under a nice pressure. I haven't yet arranged lift for my furniture and large electrical equipment. I've got a very very heavy office desk, even more heavier sofa-bed, and then miscellaneus computer related stuff, such as 19" monitor, a bookshelf, old dining table and four chairs + office chair. This stuff does definitely need a van. Like said, I have no idea where to get the lift for those. Our parents' huge stationwagon is under repair as it was being vandalized by some junkies who wanted the radio frontpanel. So, that is a hell of a no-can-do.

But, I'll survive! I'll get some transportation and wheels under.

Okay. I'm having this premonition that this will be the last entry for a long time. I hope this proves to be wrong and I can get online in a timely manner. Bye.

Opossumi on 02.22.05 @ 12:07 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

The merrier me

music: Kalifi myy mustaa valoa (Kuha)

"Depression is the consequense of lack of love." - It does make sense when you think of it like that. Perhaps it brings us more questions than it answers. Perhaps.


Opossumi on 02.20.05 @ 03:10 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

A List

Here's a list of programs from my harddisk I'm in love with (in no special order):

- ASA World Wind for pure joy
- Picasa 2 for quick image transfer
- >Hello with Picasa for Blogging
- avast! Anti-vir for pest control
- ATITool for overclocking
- Nvu Web Authoring System
- DScaler TV & Video Deinterlacer
- No-IP
- Microsoft Anti-Spyware, which actually seems to work
- Opera, accept no substitutes
- putty for everything, cannot survive without

I made this list because I hadn't a good subject. And when a man has got an entry to do, then a man has got an entry to do, no matter what the topic is.

Opossumi on 02.19.05 @ 05:50 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

Yup.

music: Beyond the Bounds
mood: evaluating, analysing, really, I cannot tell

I turn to an arse when I get drunk. I feel like shit as I'm recovering from last night. Hang-over! Loveable. This alcohol is truly the drink of wise. I guess the events of yesterday are kind of hinting me that I don't belong to that group of wise. However, when I get drunk, I get the courage to say things I wouldn't otherwise say. This applies to most of us. We tend to boost ourselves with it and then do the act of stupidity, which may proven to be a good idea when one's mind clears and you're able to evaluate the done damage. Like said, it's not always bad.

But I think I'll be sober for the next coming two aeons ... and that is, believe me, a long long time ... I consider this as the beginning of my absolute-no-policy to alcohol. It's good for nothing, the booze I mean.

Opossumi on 02.18.05 @ 12:04 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

Lost Boys

music: Lost Boys
mood: Lost

I'm happy. If it's going to break, then it's going to.

Now, I'm just happy. If tomorrow is about to bring its problems, then it is. I'm just going to enjoy this night as it would be my last.

Good night. I'm sure what I will dream about.
Opossumi on 02.17.05 @ 10:38 PM EET [link]

Today's Mangled Mass Massacre

music: Got the Life (KoRN)
mood: Uh la la! Don't touch my tralalalah or I'll shoot you!

It doesn't look very nice when a few hundred shotgun shells hit your head and turn your brain to mangled mass. That's exactly what happened to my Greymatter today. I've been getting constant, but quite low amounts of comment spam lately. Today my days of pasifiscim were ended by an evil attack from the clonebot armies. I got total of 23 comment spams, which all totalled within a timeframe of one hour. It took me exactly ten minutes to remove those 23 spam messages by hand. That doesn't sound too practical.

It was time for a transformation of myself and become a vigilante and equip my blog with heavy armament. Now, I'm getting zero comment spams. What I did was heavily edited the whole scheme how this publishing platform works. This is, after all, Greymatter, the most customizable publishing platform, in my opinion.

Sometimes the thinking of those spammers makes me think what do they want? Don't they bother to check out is it even any use? I don't allow my blog to be "indexable" by search engines. This is done by giving the META tag 'nofollow', 'noindex'. Even if I leave the comment spam alone, there's no one to come index it and make it matter. A bulk of garbled spam text is hardly no use for human beings equipped with brain. So, the spam is useless. - Yes, most people agree on this even if my blog would be searchable, but I don't. I believe there will always be a huge amount of idiots clicking on those links and wanting some free online poker tips, or perhaps buy some Viagra.

Opossumi on 02.16.05 @ 06:21 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

Eek-sor

SHA-1 has been broken. I first thought it was United States Army's KH-11, because they do look and sound similar. Then I realized 'no, that's not it', and began to wonder that this could prove to be fun, if the news are true. I wanted to write this paragraph solely for the reason that there are maximum of four of my daily visitors able to understand even one of those acronum, and only two able to understand both of those. My daily doze of what I call 'fun'. Call me a freak, I don't care.

Now, it's time for more understandable stuff. I'm going to start lifting weights. This plan I'm going to carry out because I'm way too weak and fragile. Even the Finnish Defence Forces didn't want me, so I could do my own excersise plan. This plan will start with a combination of lifting light weights, push-ups and several other basic movements. Also, there will be a nice little skiing course near my living place, that I can start running it around. I hate skiing.

I've already outlined some targets where I want to head at:

- positive impact on my cardiovascular system
- positive impact on my looks (meaning that I wouldn't look like shit anymore [weak/fragile])
- gain some muscular mass to prevent the office-style job's burden on my back

I got the idea to start this whole thing yesterday as my friend told about his habits. Although I don't like excessive muscular people, both men and women, I do find certain level of certain physical strength aesthetically appealing. I'm mainly doing this because of my back, which is going down unless I do some physical excersise.

Opossumi on 02.16.05 @ 10:17 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

Reset tripmeter

Here's how it goes:

When I'm okay, I can't come up with any subjects to write about. It means that I've got nothing to do a blog entry about.

The less I am writing here, the better I feel. - Isn't it weird that one should hope for me to write here, and one should, on the another hand, hope for me not to write here if wishing my well-being? Paradoxal.

I'm leaving the town. I'm going to visit my grandparents. A long journey, up north off I go.

Opossumi on 02.15.05 @ 10:02 AM EET [link] [1 Comment]

Happy Valentine

music: Rebel Yell (Children of Bodom, cover, original by Billy Idol - I love the 80's)
mood: absolutely fabulous

The mandrake has grown its roots and tied me up. My last entry was about Fedora Core distribution of GNU/Linux, which I didn't too much like. Well, I spent my weekend away from distractions and I was able to organize some free time to install another distribution, but this time it was meant for my laptop.

Now my beloved Thinkpad is institutioned with Linux. There's no Windows on-board at all. I'm quite proud of myself! And not just that, it seems that Mandrake is working. Now I've realized that choosing a spesific distribution can do so much to improve one's mental health. Fedora Core was taking mine. Mandrake is reinstituting it back.

I was at home for the weekend. Had some quality time there with our dog Ronja, she's carrying. She's expected to labor within one month. Ronja's boyfriend, Elvis, was there, too. They did seem to enjoy their time. Although it isn't that funny anymore when Elvis, he's a giant, weighting over 20 kilograms jumps on you and begins to hump on your leg. He took his lessons quite fast when I basically gave him the hint and threw him away quite firmly. I'm really thrilled that Ronja's going to have puppies. I hope it isn't going to be a miscarriage and it'll work fine 'till the end.

I'm also preparing to my relocation. I have arranged the transportation of my stuff, but only partly. The large furniture is going to need a bigger vehicle to fit them in. I've got a large sofa bed, and then a very heavy office desk. The rest of my stuff can be fitted into a quite fit package.

I'm expecting to get the keys sooner than the end of this month. This would be nice, otherwise there will be an enormous hassle in the end of this month. I'd like to avoid this and do the relocation transition as smoothly as possible. I've also got lots of paperwork to do. I need to deal some concerns with the insurance company, sign a new broadband contract, apply for certain State Pensionary's (KELA) benefits etchetera. And adding the million and one other tasks I've forgotten!

edit,. I made a gallery for Ronja! Take a look at it here!

edit,. Nice. Google has changed its logo!

Opossumi on 02.14.05 @ 10:02 AM EET [link] [1 Comment]

Friendly thoughts about Linux

music: None
mood: read on, you'll see

I am writing this entry from Fedora Core operating system, with Opera. The only decent thing the whole system has to offer, and Opera hasn't even got anything to do with whole Fedora Core. I installed it as a 3rd party software in order to browse web. There's no power in the world that could make me use Mozilla or Firefox. They're both ugly, slow, horrific browsers. They just don't turn me on, so to say.

Okay. I got my Internet connection online in a matter of minutes. I've become quite an expert with PPPoe-related issues. They often get quite complicated and nasty little son of bitches and they need some boasty treatment. I kicked that online and immediately started to patch up my deteoriated very, very old install of Fedora Core. I guess these packages are from year 2003, quite old indeed. I've been loading a few gigabytes of updates by now, and now my workstation is happily installing them, there are some gruesome screetchy noises coming out from my harddisk number three ... I hope it endures ...

Well. The problems. My kernel is old as hell, it doesn't support NTFS. This thing is really depressing. The last time I was in touch with Linux, and especially Fedora Core, this is the thing number one that makes me a happy Windows user. Not only the NTFS support is lacking, but the lack of MPEG layer decoding ... encoding I would understand, but this thing doesn't play mp3 files as the developers are too afraid of being sued and that's why they didn't include such "trivial" thing onto their install ... Crying out loud. What the heck am I supposed to do if I can't get access to my NTFS disks and partitions? I'm not too experienced Linux user, and the first thing I DO NOT want to do is to recompile the kernel and/or be installing dozens of RPM packages just to get an ordinary mp3 file to play ... Fuck you Linux, fuck you Fedora Core. I'm changing to good old Windows/BeOS set.

Opossumi on 02.11.05 @ 07:46 AM EET [link] [1 Comment]

Picture I found

music: Heartmiser (Massive Attack)

I haven't posted any new pictures lately (excluding the picture blog of mine). That needs to be fixed. I found this awfully cute and cushy picture of a wombat lying in the web all alone. I saved the poor wombat and made him/her a place to stay from the static folder, where things never get banished from. This wombat is almost as sympathetic creature as an opossum is. Although it may look cuter, it's a totally different character. I read a Wikipedia article about it, loveable animal, I wish I had one! I wish I would be one! The life of a wombat seems so easy and mundane, not as complex as the suffering of human life. It would be nice; just walk around and look cute, eat and sleep, mate, play and enjoy simple life.

Opossumi on 02.11.05 @ 02:19 AM EET [link] [2 Comments]

Minor updates

music: Total Annihilation (soundtrack)
mood: very okay

I designed a new index page for Catarrhalis. Take a look at it. I'd wish to hear your comments about it. I used div-elements with absolute positioning to place the pictures. I recycled the GIF-animation from my personal Cover Page to add some dynamic element into. Now in retrospect as I watch it, I think it's kind of a nuisance. Also, the absolute positioning causes the screen to widen up in smaller resolutions (it means that you have to scroll the page horizontally).

The content-side of the new index is okay I think. Basically I had this idea that I read some blogs and why wouldn't I share them with others. So, I took a few quality blogs from my bookmarks and wrote a very very short description of each and then just placed them there. My original plan was to add music and all kinds of multimedia plugins to open but then I rejected the idea. Not because I think they're annoying, or because I'm afraid that other people find them annoyning, but for a simple reason, called browser dependency. Nice that the author (I'm using Opera) can't get the site to operate as planned, but I need Internet Explorer to see it in "full colour".

Check the new index and give your comments, won't you?

Opossumi on 02.10.05 @ 07:10 AM EET [link] [1 Comment]

Sentry

music: Butterfly 747 (Moloko)
mood: afraid of the darkness

I just watched the infamous educational German forklift video. I had fun with it.

Then I downloaded 3 gigabytes of stuff from P2P networks just for fun, because I have the bandwidth, and I had nothing else to do. Let see what I got, I got a few professional sound studio tools, one expensive 3D modelling program, all Douglas Adams' books in radio-play format, some programming related books (mostly C++/Java and some general purpose), a couple of new albums, Mariska's new music video (I guess downloading this was legal, yay~ me!), some anime.

I'm an experimental downloader which means that I download professional software just to test it out and toy around it with a bit. This stuff makes most of my download bandwidth. The second on my list are movies. I tend to download movies whenever I'm bored. The third is the music. Then comes rest of the stuff, such as games and miscellaneus undefinable stuff.

I don't like torrents at all. My main source of ware is a certain local hub. It is more than I need. Well, I can't really whine when the average download speed exceeds 800 KByte/s, peaks at 1.5MByte/s. There are certain things that speak for local file transfer. In example, the ISP tends to ignore the traffic caused by the P2P programs as long as the traffic is done in local network (the local backbone network). That costs virtually nothing for the ISP. When the traffic acrosses the boundaries of the ISP's local network, then the ISP has the interest to cut down the traffic.

I've got a hub (which I don't use) in my local area network, where download speeds are sustained way over 1.2Megabyte/s and peaking much higher. The larger ISP WAN (Wide Area Network) is a bit slower, but speeds start from 500KByte/s. There's really no upper limit.

I'm going to move soon. I'm sure I'll miss this connection. Farewell, I had so many nice moments with you, my beloved PPPoE/Ethernet/LAN/WAN-solution. *Sob~* *sob*~

I had more important things to write here, but I didn't. I used the opportunity to speak about nothing meaningful. I'm feeling bad, I can feel my depression coming back as I earlier speculated. This was a temporary effect like I expected. Sad. I'm sad. I'm feeling miserable. I'll try to fight against the feeling but it's quite persistent. I think explaining this to you all isn't helping. You can't possibly realize. Unless you have suffered something similar, or exactly the same I have; or even worse, then you'd know what I mean. I'm afraid that you, dear reader, haven't. Don't despair, I'd give anything if I could change lives with you. I think this will be the last entry about my depression. It seems that marking these words down make me only feel worse. It's like giving yourself a hard-proof of your illness. Although, I've been thinking the consequences what happens if I don't be as verbose as this. I'm a person who's easily to be misunderstood. I guess my condition, especially if kept only myself, will do more of these misunderstandings as I can be quite hard person to cope with when I'm really down, or feeling moody, or just freaking out.

Opossumi on 02.08.05 @ 01:18 AM EET [link] [1 Comment]

I'd love to ...

write ... but I'm way too tired.

At least I got my money problems solved for a while. Well, solution is not the right word, merely a temporary post-poning to my personal bankruptcy.

The clock is one AM in the morning. I really should do something today. I'm making a list here (because I love lists; I must have told you that):

- go to swimming
- visit the city library, or alternatively to the school library
- go to school and eat free meal

The clock is fifteen past one o'clock in the morning. I'm hungry. I ate some porridge I cooked in the microwave oven. Then I had a large chunk of crispbread with coffee. It is a tasty combination when you get used to it.

I'm living very interesting times, but I don't seem to be excited. My thoughts and thinking seems dull and boring, and I haven't got the enthusiasm to do the things I should, or do the things that would benefit me. I'm going to have a shower. I love showers, hot showers. Hot and long showers, I guess you got that already.

Opossumi on 02.08.05 @ 01:18 AM EET [link] [1 Comment]

*sigh*

It's me back all right.
Opossumi on 02.04.05 @ 07:24 PM EET [link] [3 Comments]

Flaschenhals

music: Jee Jee Jee (Tuiskun Antti)
mood: Happygay~

I kept this entry closed purposedly. Thomas pointed out n+1 errors in the last entry (which this is, now being rewritten). I really need to focus on these small things. My strong points must be the large vocabolary, extensive use of quite sophisticad structures on sentences, and the good flow of text. The weakpoints can be found from the small things, which often go unnoticed both from me and the reader. Prepositions are hellish. However, if I take an objective standpoint and rate my skills, well, they're quite nice indeed ... I just might be over critical.

A common mistake I've noticed are the use of idioms (if I look other people's text), they never seem to work the way they should. This isn't a problem for me, because I know how to use them. And even if I don't, I'm able to reroute myself over the obstacle. I have two basic principles I follow when I'm writing, in example, this blog. I never do direct translation from Finnish to English because that's the point where the idioms suck the most. If I'm unsure about a specific preposition, I'll rephrase the sentence into more conventional form.

Keeping text natural and easy to read is hard, according to my observations. That's the one most single important factor in my opinion, when it comes to text. I can ignore the mispelled words, the poor content and all other factors, but keeping the text alive and easy to read is very important. Although, it doesn't work if even one of those factors is missings. It's sort of a Trinity here. It's not going to work if one part is missing or lacking something.

Opossumi on 02.02.05 @ 06:11 PM EET [link] [2 Comments]

This entry is about cabbage

music: Beyond the Bounds
mood: I have salad fingers

Yesterday the plans got rewritten yet again =). Well, I knew to expect it, the news, but I thought I had already made up my mind not to go ... Now, this one-year excursion abroad sounds more tempting than it did few weeks ago ... I'm way too impulsive. I think this is a blessing and a curse the same time. Well. My life has been an everlasting 'joyride' the past three years, I really haven't got the chance to ponder my options, just to - impulsively, hastily, without thinking - grab onto things and see how long my grip will last. Umm. I hope you understood what I meant by that. I wish I had more control. This wish seems to come true and realize, although it has taken some time before I've given the opportunity to pick the choices best suitable for me. Now I have two choices, both pleasant options, to choose from. I'm happy. Which ever to fail, there's always an enjoyable backup plan for me to adopt.

I'd like to thank Tom, you're my mentor ..., for his invaluable information and advices. I really do appriciate your experience in life and the time you're giving me.

Life's a bitch, and I'm really getting used to it. I haven't had problems with panic attacks for almost a month now. I still seem to crack under pressure, and I need to be careful what I do and what sort of burden I'm going to handle. Nevertheless, I can analyze my condition progressing in giant steps. Not too rapidly, though. And I'm not even sure if that sort of fast healing is even desired. I'd better to take it slowly.

There are some unusual aspects in my current happiness, and the causes for it. - No, I didn't bought weed from my friend, nor had an acid trip. But that, I think, is matter of and for another entry.

I wish to end this entry by saying that I'm positively surprised that I finally got some comments. It gives me the strength to go on writing this. Now, it's coffee time. I'm going to drink the only budgeted luxury for this month: very expensive coffee I bought - but I got that as a bargain, one euro!

Opossumi on 02.01.05 @ 12:01 PM EET [link] [2 Comments]

Everybody's Stalking

mood: the pleasure is all mine

fool

1 : a person lacking in judgment or prudence
2 a : a retainer formerly kept in great households to provide casual entertainment and commonly dressed in motley with cap, bells, and bauble b : one who is victimized or made to appear foolish : DUPE
3 a : a harmlessly deranged person or one lacking in common powers of understanding b : one with a marked propensity or fondness for something (a dancing fool) (a fool for candy)

Well. I can't add anymore to that. Next subject ->

Nah. Can't come up with anything. I'm a fool, but am I more foolish than the one who thinks I am the fool and thinks fooling me. I'm feeling so good, and I'm not giving up this feeling. I decided to filter out a few people from my life, for a while. All you people want is the reason and there's no way I could possibly give it. I wish not to be read like an open book. And, I think too much. I need to quit doing that.

Opossumi on 01.31.05 @ 08:09 PM EET [link] [3 Comments]

What the heck just happened?

music: Beyond the Bounds (Maki Kirioka)
mood: could be better

I was sleeping, it was the middle of the night and my phone rang. An unknown number appeared and I took the call. Person E called me and sounded very scared. She told me that person J was going to do something very stupid, to kill himself. I get online. The tension grows and we decide to track down J person's close relatives and think about calling the police. I call S, who's breaking apart. She explains what had happened. I understand the situation. I try to get connected to the J person, who's, assumably, out of the house and walking in the forest. I think that wasn't a metaphore. Time passes. I call S person many times during the day, she's not able to cope, and further breaking apart. J person is starting to freak out everyone. I can't get connected to him. He's staying away from person H, I hear.

I leave the town. Person M keeps me posted by phone. I keep myself in pieces by calling the S person, and keeping her in pieces. Person J comes out his asylum and freaks everyone in IRC. The people on the channel try to prevent this guy doing anything stupid. Lots of people got offended, and lots of words were said. I think this is the third day.

Now, I'm full of anger. I've cried, and I've worried. Now, I'm just angry.

___


Okay. I've got only one word to add. That's blackmailing. I think the sort of emotional blackmailing I've seen isn't going to work. I think I'll use the first possible occasion to hit this J guy straight to his face whenever I see him. Get a grip. If you deliberately want to ruin your life, please don't take the whole world with you. Don't take the ones close to you with you. And, as I now know that your freakiness has vanished a bit, get rid off the rest of it and start rearraging your world. It isn't that shattered as you might think.

Opossumi on 01.30.05 @ 12:59 PM EET [link] [1 Comment]

Break

music: Un año más (Mecano)

I haven't been writing lately, there's a good reason for that. Nothing worthwhile has happened in the past days. Now, as I am writing, something must have happened.

Okay. Here's how I understood. There were a girl and a boy. The girl said no, the boy in love crashed. This boy went crazy, I mean, really crazy and cracked totally. Lots of people cried.

I was an observer. But of course it did affect me, both of the protagonists of this tragedy are my friends. I haven't heard from this boy, I hope he's alive and well. The last night things did look quite grim. Not that this was his first time trying to do a very stupid thing that can be never undo. I've got a whole collection of suicide letters in my archives. I hope this carries out as the last one.

I'm going away for a while. Not that any of you would notice, I've got my laptop with me. And where is my laptop, I'm there, never really away.

Opossumi on 01.29.05 @ 09:52 AM EET [link] [1 Comment]

Random

music: game soundtracks
mood: nice

I took this gaytest just for fun. Do it yourself, and post the results here. Below you'll see mine. And here's the test. It's made both for men and women. The test only biases you to heterosexual or gay, nothing between, so you need to weight the results carefully - if you even want to use such a lightweight test as a reference. My recommendation: don't. Here's a better test by Seta (Sexual Equality), but it is in Finnish. This test doesn't give any spesific results about your preferences, but gives you a relative estimation about your sex. If you decide to do the both tests, please post the results for me too!

Opossumi on 01.27.05 @ 01:31 PM EET [link] [2 Comments]

Stats outlook

music: Total Annihilation (game soundtrack)
mood: happyhappy-joyjoy

The average unique visitor count per day for Catarrhalis.net is 61.
Bandwidth usage per day is 33.11MBytes. This is an average, too.

The most common browser seems to be Opera, with a whopping 54.2% share, followed by IE grabbing 31.6 percent. Then comes Mozilla. Surprisingly, Firefox didn't get that good results.

The number one referrer is the bloglist of Kupoli. However, most of the hits are direct hits, I assume my blog is quite well bookmarked everywhere. I'm getting some serious traffic from fellow-blogs as well, and the official Finnish bloglist.

I'm getting lots of visits from various search engines. This is because I have kept my blog (and generally the whole Catarrhalis scheme of mine) open. I added the meta tags NOINDEX and NOFOLLOW yesterday to reduce the amount and traffic caused by these engines. I don't want my blog to be visible to search engines.

The last year's stats are as follows ... notice that the last year statistical output is partial because the domain was opened the late spring. Also, the traffic of the very first recorded month was nonexistant. Nevertheless, the stats for last year are quite nice to watch:

We consumed 4.62GBytes of bandwidth. We got 150,039 hits. 38,149 pages were loaded. 11,538 visits. 3590 unique visitors. The busiest month of last year was December. We got a whopping number of 625 unique visitors!

My plan is to continue the upkeep of this domain with my friend Jukka a.k.a shinner. But I'm also planning to register my own domain and possibly start my own server. For that I need reliable and somewhat fast broadband to take the traffic burden. I might want to add services such as HTTP, FTP, mail and several other smaller services. Just to test how those things work. And I wouldn't bother connecting IRC trough my own server and its funny domain name. Oh dear, I've got the nerdiest dreams ever ^^;.

Opossumi on 01.27.05 @ 10:34 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

The Count

music: Relight My Fire
mood: fine

Liver casserole. Oh, it was so tasty~. My my breakfast, my dinner. Noodles, maybe I should try those. I've got plenty of those in my wares.

I illegally downloaded an episode of Gankutsou from the P2P-networks, just to see what sort of show it is. Lots of people seem to value it kind of high, and recommend it. I might as well download the rest of the shows as well. My friend told me that the series becomes even better than it now is. I must say that the first glance wasn't that positive at all. I haven't watched that much anime, but I still had some sort of familiar feeling 'seeing this before'.

When you watch anime, at least you know what you will get. No surprises. Absurdity and surrealism aren't merits to be proud of, if those are the things that become the main selling point. That's just my opinion, who else's would it be? Well. Gankutsou wasn't bad at all. And when I'm ready to say that, well, it's something that you shouldn't miss. I can leave 95% of 'the generic old same' not watched, and pick the elite, remaining five percent.

Opossumi on 01.26.05 @ 05:50 AM EET [link] [1 Comment]

This is the moment. I don't think that I am happy, I know I am. Funny, it hit me. And the first thing I got into my head was to write it here =).

I mean, I want to be sure that everyone understands. I haven't felt like this for a long time. Something is kicking in, and I'm damn sure it's not the pills. What the heck, it may be so that I don't even need the pills anymore!

- I need to remember this entry. I have to remember. This is my saved state, where I shall return from the darkness. This is the state of well-being for me. Status quo.

Opossumi on 01.25.05 @ 02:53 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

The Looney Bunch

music: Liquid Blue (Evanescense)
mood: m'kay

Some of you might have noticed the little counter I recently added. It's counting the days to when I'm moving out from this current flat. Today is actually the day I'm going to break the lease with the current landlord. I'm waiting for the clock to come 9 o'clock so that I can head to the city. The plan is to throw this official notification of my relocation to the office, and then head to the City Library. It's almost the end of the month, and that means the time for my basic routine to read all the major magazines of the month. The list includes The Time magazine, Newsweek, Suomen Kuvalehti, Tiede-lehti, Tekniikan Maailma, and that's about it. I might want to read Image or Soundi as well, if the poster boy/girl is nice.

I calculated (or estimated) my next month's budget. It's going to be a tight fit. There's a chance I might not be able to do it. The first month is always the hardest. I calculated that I need to reserve, not perhaps huge, but considerable, at least for me, amounts of money for the insurance, for the opening fees of my broadband, the expenses of relocating. Luckily I'll get my deposit back from this apartment. On the another hand, I need to pay the deposit for the new flat, too. That's a considerable amount of money I wish I wouldn't have to pay.

Basically, that sealed the decision whether to go Kupomiitti X the end of this month. If miracles don't take place anywhere near me, and anytime soon, it's for sure I'll miss it. I really wanted to go, this time, and when I now really wanted to go, it seems that I cannot. I think I would have met new people there, very nice people I've had the privililedge to know better in private IRC conversations. That sort of private conversations can quite quickly turn up desire and need to meet in real life. I bet it would have been fun. I'm sure there will be other occasions turning up. The question is, when and where.

Have I said that my relationships are fucked-up? It's not only that I am fucked-up lunatic, but most of my friends are as well. We are a happy bunch of medicated loonies and angst-full of poets wishing for the right one which never seems to arrive. But I'm not having lowered expectations, quite the opposite; I've been greatly surprised and value the lunatics around me. All the loonies out there, my fellow-nutcracks, I love you all. Each and every of you!

Opossumi on 01.25.05 @ 07:17 AM EET [link] [1 Comment]

Letters

music: Letters (Cohen)

The letters that I sent, the ones you didn't want to get.

I took the step and from this moment I'm a new man, reborn, a rebirth not insignificant. I wish I will remember all the bad things, I don't want to forget those things that got me hurt. And how could I? It seems that all the bad things have formed the most of me. If they are taken, what would I be?

Opossumi on 01.24.05 @ 11:23 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

mood: angry, really angry

Because I already know that I am an arse, I reserve the right to say a few facts about you.

Your atychiphobia - fear of failure, is something that you cannot have. That's easy to see, you don't even try to evade the traps, you walk straight on them. It's very hard for an observer to really say that you wouldn't actually love getting into problems way beyond your capability of handling them.

What I know is, that your number one option for every occasion is to flee, escape, walk away, run away, shut the phone, make yourself invisible that no one can confront you. That's sad. Good luck with the great escape of yours.

I thought I was having serious problems. I can't even find comfort from this matter, because this is so sad. A fucking tragedy. Get a life. It seems that you've already put yourself in a position where you can't hear the advices people are giving you. You don't realise that you're a fuck, an ignorant fuck who cares so little about other people's problems. If you treat others like they're nothing, expect the same treatment, my dear boy.

Opossumi on 01.23.05 @ 05:01 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

New Record Set!

music: Eräät Tulevat Juosten (Absoluuttinen Nollapiste)
mood: kanska bra

This one person, who has been missing, came back online. I was happy. This person is sorting out the problems his having, and I'm wishing him all the best luck. Now he went to bar with this friend, obviously, to drink beer. I wish I was there too ;__;.

This new record I made ... My Fedora Core installation lasted 1 day and 2 hours before I broke the installation. I basically destroyed my Gnome window manager. Never ever again use the system as 'root' when casually toying and experimenting - This is the lesson I learned.

I've been sleeping a lot lately. I wonder what causes this, since my thyroid levels should be okay. I'm increasing my daily coffeine dose to test whether it's a tolerancy developed against coffeine. If so, this thing should be quickly fixed. Unfortunately this doesn't seem to be the case. Only wishful thinking.

I haven't cleaned my apartment in ages. I've still got 50 days before I move into the new apartment. Maybe I should reconsider cleaning and vacuuming around, at least once before the D-day.

I wrote about this before, I shaved my legs. And now I am feeling very itchy. My friend Riikka warned about the hair growing inside, which seems to be the case here now. It doesn't feel too uncomfortable, but itchy indeed. Tomorrow I'm going to the nearest big department store and buy some stuff Riikka has to recommend to me. Basically the stuff does a mild skin-removal on the outer layers of skin (the 20-30 cells high epidermy), and remove the hair grown inside and smoothen it (the skin).

Today I'm restarting my wide extra supplement vitamin plan. It includes one multivitamin and mineral pill and one pill of vitamin-B and magnesium, and one multivitamin-B supplement once every three days. I've been researching on this matter, and that plan seems to be the best for me. If it doesn't do any good, it doesn't harm either, that's for sure.

Opossumi on 01.23.05 @ 12:19 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

The First Box

music: nothing! I can't mount my mp3-storage drive!
mood: promoted by people

I can say that this entry will be full of topics that ordinary people will find very boring and gibberish. But on the another hand, the nerds out there will love this. And maybe other people as well, as time has passed from my last 'normal entry', that isn't 1) full of angst 2) me attacking the rest of the world.

The topic. It's my newest experiment of starting to use GNU/Linux daily. I'm going to get rid off XP. Of course that is not completely possible since there are so many Windows specific products out there, such as Macromedia Flash, PSP, Photoshop, Visual Basic etchetera. Games aren't a problem, I don't play that much. Actually, I don't play at all. Weeks have passed the last time I played Half-Life 2 for a few hours. I think Wes Cherry's Solitaire still the best game Windows has to offer ... And Linux has Tux Racer! zOMG! Loveable Tux.

This distribution I installed, Fedora Core 1 (!), is two years old. I'm currently loading a few gigabytes of updates, more or less critical ones to update the system. I think I need to recompile the kernel to be able to mount my two other harddrives, which are formatted in NTFS. vfat would have been easier choice to do back then, but I'm not a psychic nor a son of Nostradamus.

I'm awed that kudzu (the hardware wizard probe) was able to identify my Aiptek drawing table. Nice. It also detected my sound settings immediately on first boot; a miracle that Windows can never match. I haven't installed my office equipment yet, the printer, the scanner. I'm not hoping too much whether my webcam is going to work, but I'm giving it a try.

Update as I am writing this, I just got a compact disc ripped and encoded to ogg vorbis; I don't have to spend the whole day without music.

Setting up my PPPoE was a hellish job to do. I tweaked the configuration for two hours. The whole scheme was awfully complicated because of my two network devices, eth0 and eth1. I need only one anyways, went to BIOS and disabled the other one and that helped debugging the source of the problem. Another hour went to put it online. I was so happy when I went to the terminal and typed the magical words 'ssh -l laurra01 okol.osakk.fi' and the good old fingerprint message appeared. God I was glad.

Now the biggest concern is my NTFS system. I have two harddrives, and third dedicated to Linux. The first harddrive, let's call it 'hda1' is a 20 gigabyte reserved for Windows XP instance. The second harddrive, let's call it 'hdb1' is a 120 gigabyte storage disk, which is also having NTFS file tables. The third drive, the one dedicated for Linux, is a 8 gigabyte disk having two partitions, one ext3 and the swap. Now, what I need is kernel support for NTFS. It seems that all kernels don't support NTFS partitions natively. vfat is easy business, but NTFS not quite. I have two options, to update my kernel and enable NTFS from my kernel options, or convert my disks to FAT32. I hesitate to convert since there is a small, but not insignificant possible that I will lose data, which is not wanted, I want to be clear ...

Generally I love the looks of my Fedora Core. This looks candy, and candy look is always nice. But when I get tired to this eye-candy, I can quickly change to the terminal and enjoy the black/grey text mode and do some serious haxxor stuff there.

Cheers! The end of an entry!

Opossumi on 01.22.05 @ 05:11 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

Nice

music: the humming of my pc
mood: woke up, tired, fired

I whined and I got my first month's rent cut by 50%. There isn't a problem small enough I would not miss it. I'm already worrying about the heating costs since it has electrical heating system. Me and my mundane problems. But I've noticed when I have this sort of small problems filling my daily activities I'm feeling quite ok. It takes time from my eternal angst. This is good.


Opossumi on 01.21.05 @ 10:46 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

I think everyone agrees

mood: Happy Happy Joy Joy, Believe me!

Opossumi on 01.21.05 @ 12:31 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

Leakage

mood: sad


I'm in the bed with my laptop, writing this entry. I haven't got that much reasons to be happy. Some people might consider that the job opportunity abroad is like a blessing from the skies, which it is, sort of, but not quite.

I'm a depressed fuck, I think I've established that fact already. It means that I'm having a medication to this condition. It has also (the depression) changed my habits in life. I've put more effort to my control of life. My current target in my life is to keep it reasonable predictable. My depression, anxiety and panic disorders, their symptoms, become less severe as I have things under control, so to say. When I loose the control of my life, I get all stressed up and the symptoms return. This 'losing control' means that I lose the life I once lived, the life I could predict to the future.

I'm very tired. I made my Plan B, and started to execute it, and then this came. It ruined everything. Of course I'm not obligated to go there! I can stay here and do the things I planned, but I'd regret it someday, I'm sure. Now, I'm just very tired mentally. This whole recruiting scheme itself isn't making my life all that bad, but all the stuff coming with it. And that's not the worst part. I'd have these problems even without the whole scheme. I mean, look at me, I'm a sad depressed fuck-up all alone, fucked up my love life, destroyed friendships and talked to the wrong people and made myself vulnerable. My hands should be cut off and my eyes carved off and my mouth glued shut with epox. This would prevent all the most disastrous shit I do, but wouldn't prevent it all. For that I need to let go off life.

How would I explain this. I'm a man of reason. I see all this shit going on my braind and I can rationalize it. I should have studied harder and become a doctor.

I'm quite sure that my blog isn't found to be interesting by this one person, who I wish to thank for giving me the opportunity to browse your music library and get a few good ideas for music to get. Thanks to you, my asynchronously working counterpart. Sad that those parts never blendin' together. Very sad indeed. Maybe in the afterlife things aren't looking so grim.

I'm missing one person. This person has been away quite a while already. I'm not sure what's wrong, but at least this person is still alive. That is a good thing, I think. I'm having this horrible tendency to always think the worst possible scenario. Is this person away because of me? Well, I often have this freaky effect to everyone. I've gotten used to it. And perhaps this person has some reasons to be freaked out because of me. You'll never know.

But all that is now secondary priority. First I need to get my head straighten up, my thoughts arranged and the done damage repaired. - The damage inflicted to me, and to the people near me.

Also, if a very specific person is reading this blog, I'd like to tell this person a very special treat about my personality. I'm not accustomed to do the initiatives. I've done that couple of times and got hurt quite badly. I'm playing the prey now, someone has to be the predator. And that's not going to be me.

Now it's my time to go sleep. The time is 4:04 AM, and I'm still in the bed with my laptop, the room being all pitch black, the only light coming from my Thinkpad's LCD and keyboard lightning.

Darkness. To embrace me. Darkness, to kiss me. Darkness, for me to be. The prelude of my afterlife.

Opossumi on 01.20.05 @ 04:07 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

Move Along?

music: Another Brick in the Wall
mood: perplexed

I was sleeping when the phone rang. The number had nice prefixes and country codes and I instantly understood that the process was back on the track. I got the call from the UK and that was it.

Go, or not to go? Why not to spend the year in Britain and then come back to Finland and carry on with my Plan B? They're loving me, and this job seems rather nice in all aspects. I'd certainly want to go. I've got nothing, I mean nothing, that would hold me in Finland. But it's a big step. I'd love to take it.

This time I'd really love to hear your comments. What the heck should I do? Stay in Finland, go on with the business concept of mine, or leave everything behind and hit the road and move to England? Christ. This is hard.

Opossumi on 01.19.05 @ 02:35 PM EET [link] [1 Comment]

Only Main Text

music: Sarah Brightman
mood: bra bra

I'm making an exception and going to post two pictures. The first one is something that I made in seconds with my drawing pad, I wanted to experiment.

This second one is my vision of my South Park portray. I think it's nice.



Opossumi on 01.19.05 @ 04:12 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

Extended Entry

Holding my thoughts in my heart. That would be the ideal case, but no, I need to blurb them out and suffer the consequences.

I've got school tomorrow. The plan is to stay up the whole night and tomorrow morning take a few classes and then come back home to sleep.

I terminated the lease of my apartment. I'm paying the deposit for the new flat tomorrow. It drained my bank account balance, but luckily I've got some cash in store. Not much but enough. And I've got lots of instant noodles.

My Plan B, as I call it, has been working quite well. It's well underway and things have gone quite smoothly so far. These are the practical life sustaining properties I need, but the lack of things that increase my overall quality of life are missing.

Today I decided not to go to Espoo, thanks Juha for inviting. A friend of mine isn't coming, and I feel that there isn't much reasons for me to go. I don't think that someone would actually miss me or notice my absence. Quite the opposite, some people are actually quite happy to see me not to come. And not that I would have the the money, which is a problem indeed.

The drawing pad has proven to be funky. To put it in short, I like it.

Opossumi on 01.19.05 @ 12:47 AM EET [link] [1 Comment]

Patent Pending

Cipralex® was too expensive, I changed to Cipramil®.
Cipralex® 10mg is equilevant to Cipramil® 30-40mg. They both have the same basic chemical compound, both being SSRI medication (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor). Cipralex® still has a valid patent and it is exclusively produced by Lundbeck. Quite expensive, as the company can set the price. Cipramil® on the another is on the free market as the patent has expired, thus being cheaper, but less effective.

To achieve the same effect I now do with Cipralex® I need to take up to 30-40mg of Cipramil®, as I only need to take 10mg of Cipralex®. These pharmaceutical patents aren't good in the long run. They're just plain wrong.

Opossumi on 01.18.05 @ 10:29 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

Yup.

music: Björk
mood: ok


I got my drawing table. It works. I've been toying with it the whole evening. It works just fine with Photoshop CS. The drawing table I bought could have been better, and I'm sure I'll invest to a new one asap and sell this one. Anyone interested to buy almost a brand new drawing table?

Some idiot touched my nerve this evening as we were clashing in IRC. I think she's an idiot and found her place from my ever-growing ignore list. When I give a compliment, I expect it to be treated nicely, not rejected back to me. But the IRC is full of idiots who haven't got the slightest idea of netiquette and even the basic understanding of the manners how to behave. One more reason to cut back my daily IRC dose and move permanently to a better communication environment.

My day was quite nice (well, it has just begun!), except for the incident which depressed me. It's sad that some people don't value my opinions and thoughts as much as I do theirs.

Opossumi on 01.17.05 @ 09:47 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

Newsflash

music: Teardrop (Massive Attack)
mood: Fine

I think I got a job from England. Nice. But useless, I'm not going to use the chance unless everything else goes wrong. And that is highly unlike.

I checked out the apartment, the one having sixty-one square meters and a sauna. It was in perfect condition, and I also liked the feeling of the whole neighbourhood in general. One thing I need to do for sure, and that is to get a drivers' license. It makes my life easier as I can hop in to the car and drive along as I need.

There are bigger problems in my life than just to get money to pay the rent. They're called relationships which seem to be awfully complex in my case, considering the actual lack of them. These zen-like paradoxes aren't that easily to be explained. I just wish I don't have to do the initiative this time. It would be a special sort of luxury if someone actually would do the initiative and give me the chance to say a polite yes or no.

I think I'll take the apartment and sign the contract anytime soon. I'll bag my belongings the end of February and move in the beginning of March, if everything goes as planned. I already designed the furniture and decoration schemes of the flat. I want a large painting of Urho Kaleva Kekkonen in the living room end, and a couple of lime-green sofas to scare the shit out those daring to sit on them. 70's style.

I made a new personal website for me. Click here to check it out. Please notice the new looks of this blog, too. You can comment both this blog and the web site I made here. Leave your comment if you want.
Opossumi on 01.17.05 @ 04:45 AM EET [link] [2 Comments]

Okay

music: The Chemical Brothers
mood: Fine

My blog is back online. Test one two three.

Opossumi on 01.17.05 @ 12:37 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

Sweet Dreams~

mood: shitty

I had very disturbed dreams; after I woke up I felt very bad. It feels like I'm having a mild panic attack. The pills work as a cushion, but the feeling is awful. I have lots of things on my mind right now. This feeling can get so bad, that I would never hope such condition not even to those I hate. These are killers, mentally. But this is as well a physical condition. I'm about to vomit, I'm feeling dizzy, my heart is rumbling and tummy hurt.

I can see what causes this, very clearly. I often crack-down under pressure. I can't take the stress as much as I once used to. - Love, the lack of love, falling into love. - And all this pressure starting my own business and finding a place to live.

post script: I broke my layout. Well, never mind. I'll redo this anyways
Opossumi on 01.14.05 @ 05:29 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

"Unfinished business", and the Bride rampaged

Damage control ...

I'm so sorry. I removed the stuff I wrote from this entry. I am an idiot. I am an idiot. I am an idiot. I am an idiot.

This is the last time I do blog entries after private IRC discussions.

Opossumi on 01.13.05 @ 11:49 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

Smoothie!

I shaved my fscking legs! How gay is this? But it feels so good ...

Tomorrow I'm going to see a few flats offered to me. I'd certainly want to do the quantum leap from my 13 square meter borg-box to a 61 square meter flat accompanied with a sauna!


Opossumi on 01.13.05 @ 09:40 AM EET [link] [3 Comments]

Blockade

I have no idea what the heck is going on. I'm a simple man, I just don't get it - Got it? I'm not the kind of man who gets the innuendo and gets the fine tunes of human communication.

A part of this entry is made private, open for only those I see suitable viewing it. And I thought I could share it all, but nope. It didn't work. Can't. Bye.

Results for the #1 Vote

15 people felt that suicide is not an option
5 people are idiots

Opossumi on 01.12.05 @ 08:11 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

Determination

music: The Sacrament [HIM]

The two day long break I took from this blog has proven to have more negative than positive effects. The most noticeable change of the last two days is the poll that I added. It seems that I can't get people to answer my call to announce themselves in order to estimate the visitor count of my blog, I decided to add the poll. No one, I mean no one is able to resist the tempting vote button.

What do I mean by the negative effects, then, that I earlier mentioned? Well, the things seem to pile on and when that pile is left alone, it continues growing. Quite simple. This blog isn't a whole lot of work for me to do, not at all. This is very relaxing and nice thing for me to do and have. Actually, the more I write the more I enjoy the time being here. What I've decided is that I won't do this sort of intentional and planned breaks from my blog again.

Lately I've been more concerned about my blog. It seems that things have gotten way beyond my capability of handling the mess. I've told about my, and the situation of my friends, to many people. This is not something that I regret or I am especially concerned about, but it adds the load on me. I'm laden by the responsibility keeping everyone posted and aware of the latest events, which is tiresome. During the mess I've been observing and, partly, trying to solve, whilst being part of the mess..., my situation has deteriorated.

The entries I've written, and will write, are often depressing and not too happy. I am certainly hoping for a happy ending, but sometimes it makes me wonder will it ever come.

I'm accepting the fact that my knowledge of the world around me is limited. This is important for me to note since I once thought I basically knew it all. Of course the last sentence will be figured out the wrong way, but I don't really care. The people willing to invest their time on me don't often find their time wasted. I wish their understanding on me is better than my own observations about me, which are the greatest concern of mine. I think I know some people better than they do know themselves. But, you know~. This works vice versa. They also know me better. I haven't ever mixed the terms irony and sarcasm. However, in this case I am unable to say what that is, but I'm damn sure it is something tragic, anyways. Another gift from the universe, the gift being more or less unwanted.

I visited three bookstores with my friend today. We were looking for a specific book we saw just before the Christmas. Unfortunately the book was expensive at the time and we decided not to buy it. We were supposed to buy it in half to cut the costs. Now we went to collect our precious book and were unable to find it, which started a journey back and forth the town. Three bookstores totalled, and nothing resulted. We went back to my place and visited Amazon.co.uk, which had quite nice collections. I think we found some very good, and acceptable alternatives for the original book we planned. I shall see what my bank account has to say to all this, and if it's a go, then I'll go for it. A no-go would be intolerable. I'll ignore the no-go and get it anyways. My friend finally read Naomi Klein's No Logo. Interesting book anyone into advertising should read, although the book has its problems and I could show some criticism on it (with many others).

What I did find from the bookstore was a nice little catalog of industrial design. It will consolate my suffering about the book we originally wanted.

I'm also planning to buy a drawing pad. I have some choices of my own, but I do not prefer any specific product or brand. I'm hoping that you readers could give me some good advice and suggest a good and a reliable drawing pad.

Opossumi on 01.11.05 @ 05:30 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

Blåårgh

music: Neljä Ruusua
mood: funky

I did this in three minutes. Nvi.exe @ Catarrhalis, 24KBytes. It is called Name Value Indicator. A simple software that I made in order to search for the number of the beast. Finding the satanic insights requires some multiplying, and those I did not implement. It gives you the base value which you can freely multiply and divide as you want. The number you might want to try include all biblical numbers below 20 you can come up with.

In example, Your Name x The Age of Jesus He Masturbated the First Time will give you the satanic number of 666 and make you to conclude that Jesus doesn't want you to masturbate. Do what ever you want with the program. No comments and ideas won't be taken, since I did not even bother to save the project. I just made it and compiled it and quitted without saving.

Opossumi on 01.09.05 @ 07:32 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

Continue

I am summing it all together.

My depression has been very serious life-bogger for three years now. I got the medication year and a half ago, or so. It has been quite helpful and I the most annoying features of my condition got wiped out, at least they went hiding into the deepest parts of me, thanks to the pills. I've suffered from serious panic attacks, which are killers. I've had my share of self-destructive thoughts and the anxiety, being afraid of social contacts etchetera. It's a funny feeling when you just need to leave the class and run away, as you can feel the panic attack coming and overhelming your mind and body. There isn't much that you can do. One is unable to rationalize it as the attack is on. It's a funny view when a man is lying on the floor and asking for God's help and crying for mother. My depression must have been caused by some stressful times that I lived some years ago. I think depression is a healthful reaction, in a way, but I think this subject needs a totally new entry for me to further explain. My depression has always been a mental and a physical condition.

I often have hard time explaining the difference between my higher cortial brain functions, and the auxiliary mechanisms that my brains provide to my higher level self-me, the self-awareness and the highest point of human-me. Some people, those a bit unaware of the mechanisms of my SSRI-medication, have brought up their views and speculated that perhaps my self-awareness is somehow altered, and I might be somehow affected by the medication that much, that the person at hand isn't me anymore. I can deny that sort of speculations. I think people should be more aware of the different medications. I think that anti-psychotic and variants of such medicines like variants of diazepam can seriously affect the higher brain functions.

The ultimate question is, is it you, who is there? Is this what and who I am? I care to say that I wouldn't be walking on Earth if I hadn't done what I had to do and get some serious help. I care to say that the mechanism of therapy and medication totalled is to bring back the functionality of the human being. In most cases life is unbearable without any help from the outside. I think there are some extreme views said to me about this issue.

I think that the function of the brain is to provide auxiliary support and serve the higher me. What the medication often does is to get the auxiliary functions back online, never ever affecting the higher me.

What the medication has done in my case? The panic attacks are pretty much gone, even though I haven't got rid off them completely. My 'auxiliary services' are working almost perfectly, which makes my life ("higher me") to have chances to do things in my life and keep on going. If I would drop my medication now (which I've tried - - - and won't try that again anytime soon) my auxiliary services would drop down, so making my higher me having a hard time coping and living as I won't have the qualifications to work as a whole.

I pretty much wrote this text to explain that this is me. If you're feeling bad, don't kill youselves, eat the pills, and heal yourselves, and then drop them out. Give yourself a chance.

Change of Subject ...

Last summer a friend of mine tried to kill herself. She didn't. I haven't heard much of her since that.

Yesterday a dear friend of mine wanted to kill himself. He didn't. He left the apparent suicide note. I was about to call the police. I think the situation is normalized for a while. I hope.

Yesterday I heard that a friend of mine tried to kill herself. She's seriously ill, and unable to cope with the world under the circumstances she's now having and 'living' trough.

I'm becoming a wreck, yet again. This isn't what I wanted. It has been a night full of drama. I'm just tired. Very tired.

Opossumi on 01.09.05 @ 03:52 PM EET [link] [3 Comments]

Distinct

I had a quite nice writing here but then I did something very stupid and removed the text. I think the things that I wrote were quite nice and even beautiful. But idiot me did what I did. Because this entry is already ruined, I might fill this in with low-quality content anyways.

My break on alcohol did last quite a while. I'm happy with the results, I surpassed my own expectations. Today is a drinking day. It's too late to go Alko, but at least the stores are open, I think. I might grab one twelve-pack and try to empty the bottles as hastily as possible to gain the desired effects. I think it is called getting drunk.

When I'm feeling bad, I let the people near me notice that. I make one hell of a show, which is totally unneccessary, but something that I do anyway without reasoning it any further. It seems that I am not saying anything that you wouldn't already know ... I wonder why. Perhaps I want to make my entries less significant and have less meaning in sense of revealing stuff about my life, which has now reached the point where everything that has any meaning to me at all is written here.

I did end one other thing just a few days ago. I might as well end this blogging, too. Unfortunately I am not very firm when it comes to these decisions. I'll leave this idea alone for a while whether I decide to stop writing or not.

Opossumi on 01.08.05 @ 07:58 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

Blend Into

I'll leave my flat for a while and see some places. I won't be away for too long and I won't go too far.

I filled some applications. The next step is to meet my student councellor and see what she has to say about this. I might have some civilized guesses about her actions. Let's just say, that her voice might be a bit higher than the usual.

I ate food yesterday. The hilight of yesterday.

I'm feeling bad. But it could be worse. I don't want to whine. I whine, but I prefer not to whine too loudly. The least I want to annoy people whining too excessively. I just write it here.

The solid points. I haven't found any yet. I have my harpoon and cables, but I just need a suitable target to shoot at.

I am sad because a certain person wishes not to talk with me. Am I supposed to say something, I guess not; I kind of thought this thing was dealed ages ago, and the decision made I am not going to start any discussion. If this is what the person wants, and the person is happy with, then I want this person to be happy and not to talk with me. For once in my life I think this subject needs no artificial complicating. I'll just let things to be as they are and won't interfere.

Opossumi on 01.07.05 @ 06:57 AM EET [more..] [No Comments]

Veden alla on vaikea hengittää
olen vain osa tätä maailmaa
imeydyt minuun pieninä kuplina
kutittelet kaisloina kuiskit omaa nimeäsi

Kävin joskus vieraalla rannalla
sinä rakensit kuitenkin parhaimman
jossa ponttoonit lämpiävät aamusin
ja aurinko oksankolossa iskee silmää

Seison käsilläni vedessä
sinä pidät minua pystyssä
sukellat suutelemaan ilmaa
jotta rikkoisin entisen ennätykseni

Illan tulo veden viilentää
minä kuuntelin sinua
tarinoitasi lumpeenlehdille
katselin kun sulin sinuun


Opossumi on 01.06.05 @ 03:18 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

Linguistics

music: teempee - mereltä tuulee

I started to laugh when I began to wonder why all my friends whose last name is Moilanen are always called moilanens what-ever their first name is. There is no single Moilanen I know whose been called by their first names! There is an exception, this doesn't apply to girls and women. It seems to be characterical for men only. There are some other Finnish last names too, which seem to follow this odd tradition. Moilanen is one, that's for sure. Then there it is Heikkinen, quite often, but Moilanen has this character with almost 100% hit-to-succeed ratio. I wrote about this because I just found it interesting, and I know there is at least one person reading this blog, who is studying Finnish. Thomas, go and ask your professor about this. I have no idea why this thing is like this. It's not too common to use last name when addressing your friends.

...

I re-started my Flash MX studies today. I'm also going deeper into VB. What I've learned that I don't need to learn all the languages I use through-outly. I'm also developing some serious Adobe Photoshop skills. My next big investment is going to be a drawing table, which is attached to a computer. Then I've finished the office I need to do the things that I want and need to do.

I've got
- a decent PC workstation
- a laptop for customer visits and mobility
- fast network connections to remote desktop and work effectively
- home office equipment (scanners, copy machines, printers)
- lots of more or less critical accessories
- personal accountants to do the taxation planning
- required business knowledge in business administration and
- ... knowledge for the services I might be selling one day

Now I'm venturing for some capita. If I can't get it from more conventional sources, then I'll head to the bank. I don't need that much, but I do need some, since starting a business isn't that cheap nowadays. There are lots of different aspects to be taken in consideration. I've been thinking about this for an year or so, and now the time seems suitable to ignite the explosives I've set aeons ago. Once started, this boulder cannot be stopped that easily. But I'm rather confident. I'm quite capable guy, you know.

edit,.

This is scary. Really scary. (Link to Helsingin Sanomat, in Finnish).

Opossumi on 01.06.05 @ 05:42 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

C-Class

I was in school today. I attended a few classes and learned a thing or possibly two. There are funny differences, Americans have their own way discount calculating, as do we Europeans. In England they know how many days there are in a year, and the dates for a specific month. In Germany it's 360 days and degrees, whole circle, the bun in the oven is ready faster. I prefer the latter. One noticeable thing is that I made my coursework and understood the cases we had. You didn't get this, I'm sure.

I'm adjusting myself to the idea of moving. I think I'll go. The odd thing is, it may take me to the airport, or to a place where I might be able to increase the overall quality of my life. I think I'll pursue for more of those things that make me feel better, and increase the quality of my life and those people near me, which is, what I want.

I visited the doctor today. Twice, actually. Funny thing.

I also bought a webcam. I'll play with that the rest of the day.

Also, something critical happened today. Well, not to me, but to a friend of mine. Interestingly, I would have been more concerned in the past than now. I haven't got a place in this equation anyways, so why would I want to bug in? Good luck with the pills, my life they did not save.

post script

Q: I should do more entries like this. This sort of summaries are nice. Not too difficult for readers to read and comprehend. - Or should I? What do you think, how should I change the style of my entries, or should I change it at all?

Opossumi on 01.05.05 @ 04:57 PM EET [link] [1 Comment]

zOMG!

The innocent uke.

What archetypal boys love uke are you? ^^
Opossumi on 01.05.05 @ 01:37 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

Think about this

music: Remedy (Fu Tourist)
mood: I wish I could tell

Cramped, 25 square meter inner city flat, the rent way beyond one's capability to pay it. Let's say 340 euro in Oulu region (if you're lucky). Spacy 60 square meter household, two rooms, kitchen and sauna within the flat, the rent, let's say 250 euro the most. What's the catch? It's called distance. The nearest > 100,000 inhabitant city is 70 kilometers away, and the nearest neglible town 25 kilometers away.

Delimiter.

My dream has always been to be self-employed. This is because I want to control my own life, I want to be in control, I want to control the environment, the load and the burden, the stress and the conditions. I've never felt too comfortable being western society's wage slave. The modern times doesn't seem too different from the past. The concept is the same, but the ways change. There is the slave, and there is the master. If one does realize this, and doesn't act what is morally right, or seems right to you, what it is called, ignorance or what? I have no clue what-so-ever ... but some ideas, definitely yes.

How much money one does need? It's weird. I've never felt the urge to gain in wealth, power and money. I don't need this legal tender. All I need is a nice book that I can read without any interruptions, a cup of coffee, and a view to outside, where I can see trees, not angry looking people walking past me, looking furious and being busy with their little lives.

You know, the place where I feel the most comfortable is the place of my grandparents. It's a long long way up ahead the road to nowhere. It's somewhere, in the forest, surrounded by the nature and people having something more in their lives than I have now, and some of my friends have now. Which is more important, the things that you think you need, or the things that you truly need, but will never get?

I've got two options. Which way to go? Seize, or cease?

Opossumi on 01.04.05 @ 01:47 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

Miserable Failure - Perhaps

music: Chrono Trigger Theme

Intriguing. I've been researching ... stuff. Well, I also read some philosophy earlier today and I think I got hold on to it. Not too surprisingly, I found majority, or at least half of them totally and utter nonsense. I wonder why people are so often acting like a herd of sheep and accepting everything the so called higher authorities and morale leaders want us to take. I think the best meme and guideline I've ever heard must be "You are what you eat!". Then I must have eaten something very very bland 'cause I'm feeling really shitty.

I made a socioeconomic analysis and dealed the demographic factors - about me. It did show some interesting results, and it probably qualifies me as a miserable failure. It indicates that I haven't finished my studies, I am belonging to the poorest quarter of the poorest quarter of Finnish population. The demographics indicate other more or less interesting factors that are seemingly better than the hard numbers. I made the plan. The plan I've been talking about in the last entries. There's still one more big blank there to fill. The timescale and when to start summoning the bluescripts of relatively-small-but-accetable-success into this world. I should give those lists a break. I've been doing way too many lists.

I think those lists help me to structure the world around me. This makes lots of sense when you write things down and order them chronologically, the level of irritation, the level of what-ever. Coherent. That's the word. It adds coherency.

I wanted to discuss about other themes, but now I am hesitating. I think this is very healthy feeling to hesitate writing the stuff I was about to here. In example, these lists ...

I'm feeling a mildly positive wave of happiness going through my body now. I'm sure the great typhoon of destruction will come soon, too, but I'll enjoy this moment and shipwreck myself a bit later.

I hate bureaucracy and bureaus. And bureaucrats. I have fought against them earlier in my life, and I'll fight again. I'm sure the greatest confrontation ever between me and them will come soon. I'd better to prepare myself. Ten thousand boxes of A4 sized paper, one thousand ink cartridges, two thousand standard-size envelopes, lots of Valium, Imovadium and a shotgun, if my papers get returned.

Opossumi on 01.04.05 @ 06:50 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

It Is

mood: wicked

This is the first program ever I don't need to ask someone to test it. So, all you betatester-wannabes, you're out of luck. This program is fully functional, and there are no errors in it. And off I go, to finish my Death Star. Lord Vader's waiting.

Opossumi on 01.03.05 @ 06:14 AM EET [link] [1 Comment]

My Mind, My Domain, Get Out

I think I'll need a better plan. Since the day I noticed I did not have a plan B, I began to wonder the possibility creating one. I also began to wonder that if I am going to do the plan anyways, why not to create it as perfect as humanly possible. I've like writing lists. I said this many times, they're lovable. Anyhow, I sat down, made some tea, and began to list the problems I have, and the causes for them. The problems were quite obvious to track down and list, but the causes were a bit trickier than I first expected. I'm not going to make this entry any longer than neccessary, and I'm just going to throw out the fact, that I have way too much going on. Too many things simultaneously creating load, and I am unable to deal with it.

Usually I want to lock myself from the rest of the world. I've done this many times, but it's not really effective or useful at all. It only makes me feel worse. So, that option I reject right now. Once I noticed that perhaps I should do just the opposite, and gather as much people as possible near me to share these problems, someone to listen and someone whom to trust. This has worked out quite well. I think I have the cure, but I still have the causes left, which needs to be left behind.

I wonder how this is done, because these involve leaving a major part of my life in the past. Perhaps time will tell if my decision was right. Unfortunately the circles and social clicks tend to be quite homogenous and small. If I leave something behind, I might as well reject the rest of it. In this case it would mean leaving all behind. And that would be devastating for me. But it wouldn't be the first time I have to rebuild my friendships and establish my presence in the manner I want.

It's interesting that I have never felt this lonely in my life, even though I am surrounded by friends. These friends are perfect and I respect and value them very high. I haven't yet figured out this issue, why I feel so and what causes those feelings I have. I do have some idea what's this is all about, but nothing too certain I would accept in my mind as a fact and calm my mind.

I love the concept of human-made emotional barriers and yes, ... I am going to end this writing now. There's no way I am going to say the things that I want, they've gotten me into problems before, and will do that in the future, too. All the words I have had, they've been used. They were good for nothing and from them nothing has resulted.

Opossumi on 01.03.05 @ 05:25 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

I know nothing, about nothing

music: The Cure
mood: I am thunderstruck

And I thought I knew it all. Everything we assume, logically explain to ourselves, see and observe, is based on nothing else than our own minds. That's no news, but the news is that the things that we often think to have sturdy foundations, can vanish in a matter of seconds. You get the proof, and your world is shattered. All these previous assumptions become meaningless. That's no news either, but the news is I'm both angry and sad, that I was wrong, my thoughts were not perfect, and I was unable to foresee the next twist in this plot.

I'm feeling really down, I was unable to deternmine which was valid and which was invalid. These observations and assumptions I made, they're worth nothing. My excellency has learned his lesson.

Human relationships. Not my thing. I'll leave the whole subject for a while (this is called self-betrayal). I just want to say, that if you think you know it all, think again, because it just isn't good enough.

Opossumi on 01.02.05 @ 07:51 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

The Children of Boredom

music: Always Never Lasts (Viola)

This entry you'll love. I am going to warn you, that I won't be discussing these themes never again in this blog! And the subject at hand ... Programming! Those nice little quirky markings and scriplets that make everything to move in the computer world!

Ok. What I did today was that I tried to continue a certain project with Visual Basic 6.0 Enterprise, and it failed horribly. For some reason there isn't Winsock networking COM-component included in my instance of VB/XP. I am wondering whether it is my install of VB, or the lack of the whole file in Windows XP. Usually I've used the good old Inet-component, which seems to be "Winsock". It's a small component that you can put into your programs and use it to send and receive data from and to ports. My initial plan was to do some serious coding today, but that's not going to happen. I can't get the Winsock to load, at least not with my program. I'm sure there is simple and very obvious solution visible to everyone, except for me. I might as well have loaded the DLL using more conventional methods, but I have my habits, I want it the easy way!

My friend, tazle, yet again had his words to say about my VB enthusiasm, which is not calming down that much. I'm sure Python is nice and all (It is I must say!), but I am beginning to be way too old to change from the got-used-to programming scheme Microsoft has implemented to their products. In example, this pythoncard is very nice addon and gives me the motivation to venture deeper the secrets and possibilities it has to offer.

What comes to this blog ... I'd like to add some nice PHP scripts here. For that I need to change the extension and rebuild all the entries. This should be easy since there aren't too many entries yet. For the previous instance of my blog, where there were way over one hundred entries, the rebuilding would have been quite a demanding and time-consuming project.

Opossumi on 01.02.05 @ 06:39 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

When Everything's Said

music: Lauren Caught my Eye (The Crash)
mood: null-foobar'd-vbCrLf-\n

Dear Tagebuch,

What to do when every word and every gesture you've made have been consumed and accepted by people, or a certain people. What to do when the words end and it seems there's really nothing you can do anymore, to further assist? When everything is said, and none came from it. Is it the end?

I had a few paragraphs here. I don't feel bad when I let my backspace do its work. What I did is that I removed the text and I am happy and I'll life with the fact. The bad thing is that you've got nothing to read! That needs to be corrected!

My apartment is a mess. I don't bother to swoop it up. What else ... I got a letter from the insurance company. The first bill for this year to pay. A never-ending flow. Because I am a sad person (and the word 'sad' has many meanings; in this case I mean all of them), and this entry is sad, likewise saying this out-loud isn't) I am going to list things. I like listing things. Blogs need more lists, more lists without any meaning, but that's the whole purpose. They grab lots of space and are somewhat informative and enough to deceive the poor reader. Good blogs don't have lists. They have lots of memes.

The New Year's Party ... The Great Celebration. I was half-naked, smelling bad, scraping my crotch and drinking cola and eating fatty chips. All alone, watching the computer monitor, and chatting. Sad. So sad. I should have gone to the bar. Most of my friends went. Too sad they didn't ask for me so I could have said no. I had the shower a while after the year had changed. I didn't smell like shit anymore (which is a good thing). I got a few calls, and a few text messages. I also sent some. Those stupid messages that seem to circulate from everyone to all and then back to the sender. I wonder how much money the service providers did today. I bet a lot, or two lots full of them! I shouldn't be joking in English, especially this sort of jokes that are related to word-plays. There is a great chance everyone, especially the natives, will misunderstand them. So, my humblest apologies to all of you who felt hurt by the faggotry I did.

My neck is hurt. Hold on. I can't turn my head at all. It's ... It's fixed in place! Ok, I am heading to the nearest emergency room! Have a nice new year!

Opossumi on 01.01.05 @ 06:46 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

Depressing Results

music: Masquarade Within (Dreams of Sanity)
mood: Guess twice

Updated 12/31/2004

I watched Sofia Coppola's Lost in Translation, just moments ago. I've seen it twice or thrice in earlier occasions. Nevertheless, the movie was as good as I did remember. There is a certain theme going on with me. All those movies I've been watching lately are closely related to a very spesific theme. The thing those films share in common must be the question that arises, finding yourself and how that is done. I loved the movie. I loved Bill Murray, I loved Scarlett Johansson's performance. Did you know that Scarlett Johansson is the same age I am. It's amazing how she was able to carry out the performance she did. Bill Murray was the perfect person to play the middle-aged actor. There weren't any other interesting roles I can remember, but generally the movie had a very strong visuals, which I enjoyed very much. That sort of movies kind of make me to hope I would be writing this text from Tokyo.

The depressing results. Only six people came out and took the time to write a comment for me. And the survey wasn't a success either.

I guess this will be the last entry for this year. This year has been better than year 2003, which must have been the worst I've experienced during my rather short life. I am hoping that this trend is on-going and the next year will be better than this was. I still have things to do and put in order before I can go and let my mind rest. Until then, I wish you all (the six of you!) a happy new year and most certainly better times than I have had!

I have wishes and favours to ask from the Universe. I think the big guy owes me few. I'll put them in order of importance. I think the list will do its work better in that way.

- Love
- Health (I am a wreck, you know)
- Keep my friends, and perhaps have some more
- Money (not even that much, all I want is some food and four walls and a roof)

I am proud of myself. I managed to reach the finishing point of this entry without writing anything about my fucked-up relationships (more better: the lack of them). It seems that I am healing. Healing is nice. I wonder when this person will give my heart back to me. The person has or hasn't realized. I say I couldn't care less, but I do. I am a sad fuck-up. And the end of this entry is getting way too complex yet again. And I kind of failed. Please read the beginning of this paragraph again, and you'll notice how I failed with flying colours. It just so happened to be yet another angst-full of entry about the same old shit.

_

There is something I want to add. I've been feeling terrible tonight. I have attacked almost every single person dare to come close to me. In person and on IRC. I can, yet again, do the math and I know what causes these eruptions. I'm about to explode, my head I mean. This is so sad that I almost cry and laugh at the same time. Well, fuck you all! I sure do will!

_

One more thing to add to my LiT review. The themes discussed in the films I've been lately watching, even more important is, not finding yourself, but leaving everything behind. This isn't quite as obvious in LiT, but in the other films I've been watching, such as Danny Boyle's Trainspotting.

Opossumi on 12.31.04 @ 02:10 AM EET [link] [1 Comment]

Please stand-up!

I know that my blog is quite popular in some circles. I get quite an amount of daily traffic, although I am unable to define it more in detail.

For this reason I am making a formal inquiry for you all dear visitors there, that you could throw me a message by leaving a comment to this entry. This gives me a harsh, but somewhat reliable and usable figure of the amount of daily visitors.

It's interesting when I engage in discussion with friends who read my blog, they say that all this what I write is fascinating. It's sad that I get so little response and feedback, even though I might deserve it, in a way. This is a depressing concept for me to digest. I kind of wished that this blog could have started some interesting exchange of thoughts in form of exchanging comments.

Update 30-12-04

My friend Sahaqiel pointed out an annoying little bug. Now you can actually see what you write onto the comment box. My friend Tom pointed this out ages ago, but I kind of forgot to fix it. Thanks to both for noticing, now it is working.

Opossumi on 12.29.04 @ 09:27 PM EET [link] [9 Comments]

Walking Perfection

I am not talking about me. But~ I made a new picture while waiting for the sleepy feeling to come. I hope you all like it. It's rather small, but that's the whole point of it. I tend to hide the poor quality using this sort of cheap tricks, such as making it only viewable with a magnifying lense.

Opossumi on 12.29.04 @ 04:32 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

Do-Sage

I bump for more medicine. I think I'll need 20 mg dose per day. I've been conserving the pills because I haven't got the money to pay them. I know I shouldn't but what else can I do? Today I took 5 mg from my planned 10-20 mg prescribed, and that isn't enough. Can't breathe. This isn't life.

---

Today I decided to be the freak I used to be long time ago. I shall waste all my free time and days to fly flight- and combat simulators. I also have a dream, a sad and pitiful dream to download 747's Flight Handbook and manual and read it from cover to cover. I enjoy flight manuals. I will also restart my Spanish studies I've let on idle the last summer. All the neccessary time for all this will be taken from my nonexistant inter-human relations. I'll return to that subject not by my own initiative. When I turn to 30 I might want to reconsider this decision, but for now this is the best I can come up with.

Opossumi on 12.28.04 @ 10:45 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

Departure

This picture came out nice.

Opossumi on 12.28.04 @ 07:18 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

Mark My Words

This is the last time I am going to say this. Please understand.

All I do is ask the hard questions. I only ask the questions because I want to be sure. I am sad that the questions I ask are found offensive by you. I think that they are important, and that is why I ask about issues and talk about them. This is called help. This isn't going to be a win-win situation for me anyways, so I can make the hard questions if I want to. And I want to. Someone has to ask them. Obviously you haven't asked them from yourself. I cannot tell if you have already dealt with them, and that's why I ask about them. What I've learned, you haven't made the questions. If you think you have, think again, not good enough.

I have often stumbled upon this issue. People find me offending, because I say what could happen, and have you considered this- and -this. It's called caring. What I find sad is that people can get my words so personally, as a personal attack. If a man is about to go to Moon, and I say the rocket can explode, I am going to be crusified for that. I am beginning to wonder how I can deal the subject carefully enough not to ruin everything. The best option seems to be quite obvious. I'll just shut the fuck up. I think this is what everyone wants from me.

Your prayers, they've been heard. It is phenomenal, the ability how I can turn things up-side down in a matter of minutes. I don't want to talk like to a baby and explain the every word I say. I want to be sure that I cannot be misunderstood so drastically. I said it's going to be hard, and that's the fact. It's sad that you find it sad, that I said it to you. Well, guess what, it's going to be hard, and I felt like saying it to you. If this is the most you can take, and you'll lose your control at this stage, there's no way there's going to be a happy ending. For me it seems, that my help is not wanted, and that I gladly accept. The least I want to mix myself up onto problems that really aren't for me to take in the first place. I just got dragged along. I've got my own hands full of problems. I took the time and bothered to brought up the questions I wanted you to make aware of, but you reacted the way you shouldn't have.

Take it. I don't want it. You don't want me to help, you don't want my help. I'm glad you have found your happiness from the place where I thought such thing never exist; other person's misery in problems. I hope she'll be ok. I hope you'll be ok. Because I have nothing to lose, I can say things pretty much as they are. I find it very sad, if this what I am going to say next is offending in your opinion. I think there are enough problems within yourself to take care of. Look at me. I thought once something very alike, like I could do it all, but look what happened. Here I am, and I have problems of my own I can't possibly get the cure.

Have a nice life. I won't be enjoying mine as so much.

Opossumi on 12.28.04 @ 07:07 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

Makes you think, doesn't it

Socrates: Do you assume that there are people who desire bad things, and others who desire good things? Do you not think, my good man, that all men desire good things?
Meno: I do not.
S: But some desire bad things?
M: Yes.
S: Do you mean that they believe the bad things to be good, or that they know they are bad and nevertheless desire them?
M: I think there are both kinds.
S: Do you think, Meno, that anyone, knowing that bad things are bad, nevertheless desires them?
M: I certainly do.
S: What do you mean by desiring? Is it to secure for oneself?
M: What else?
S: Does he think that the bad things benefit him who possess them, or does he know they harm him?
M: There are some who believe that the bad things benefit them, others who know that the bad things harm them.
S: And do you think that those who believe that bad things benefit them know that they are bad?
M: No, that I cannot altogether believe.
S: It is clear then that those who do not know things to be bad do not desire what is bad, but they desire those things that they believe to be good but that are in fact bad. It follows that those who have no knowledge of these things and believe them to be good clearly desire good things. Is that not so?
M: It is likely.
S: Well then, those who you say desire bad things, believing that bad things harm their possessor, know that they will be harmed by them?
M: Necessarily.
S: And do they not think that those who are harmed are miserable to the extent that they are harmed?
M: That too is inevitable.
S: And that those who are miserable are unhappy?
M: I think so.
S: Does anyone wish to be miserable and unhappy?
M: I do not think so, Socrates.
S: No one then wants what is bad, Meno, unless he wants to be such. For what else is being miserable but to desire bad things and secure them?
M: You are probably right, Socrates, and no one wants what is bad.
Opossumi on 12.28.04 @ 02:49 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

Keepin' up with the kids

music: Sarah Brightman
mood: slightly better

I've found out horrible things about a certain person whose name I wish not to mention. Nevertheless, I find all this shit the world has got to offer us rather interesting and motivating. I've many times said that I've had my burden and load of the shit the world has got to offer, but I am not the only one. I don't think that I am an evil person when I find this comforting. The problems the other people have are of course devastating, but as I've been devastated by them, and now going to survive, I find all this very interesting to observe. It's pure curiosity, and a friendship where I might be able to do my contribution, and so help.

- post script Don't forget the survey I made!

---

- And something almost as beautiful as the eye above. Some clothing.

Opossumi on 12.27.04 @ 06:21 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

Define

I made a new survey. Please relax, sit down, have a cup of coffee, and answer the survey I made. I'll report the results if anything interesting arises from the answers. I doubt, but life's full of little surprises.
Opossumi on 12.27.04 @ 12:19 AM EET [link] [No Comments]

An update

music: Another Brick In The Wall (Pink Floyd)

I do not feel like to write today. Here a nice little link for your pleasure. Open. I'd love that serious Monkey Business. I hope all the best luck for the program and hopefully they'll import it here.
Opossumi on 12.26.04 @ 06:29 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

Merry XMas

I found the satin lace I had wrapped around my head. I fonded a deep bond with it. I just like to keep it tied to my fingers and toy with it. Nice little emotional bridge to nice little events that took place in Kuopio. Something nice to have and remember. A memento, sort of.

I'm feeling somewhat better than yesterday, and the day before yesterday. But I just want to be truthful, and tell you, that you really shouldn't believe me when I say things like 'I am happy' or 'I am ok'. I'm quite an expert when it comes to hiding my true feelings and emotions. I can keep smiling even if the world itself is coming down on to me. Like it is, figuratively speaking.

One could say that my Christmas Holidays are ruined. Quite frankly, they are. I don't want certain people to feel bad about me, because this is something that had to happen sooner or later, and if it had to happen, then it had to happen. It makes no difference whether it's Christmas or not. I know that certain people are feeling bad, too. It seems that I am not alone in this state. I wish the person I am talking about could be happier, and just ignore the things that I think are to be ignored. Such as me. It takes time to heal and recover, that's known for sure. Unfortunately, it does not help me right now.

I sketched a list of the most influential songs of the hard times I've went through

Before going to the list itself, I'd like to state to everyone, that I think this list rather personal, and I have love and hatred attached to these songs. I find them very personal. Luckily I am not entitled to share the same music taste as the majority does. I think it's a blessing. I also wish, that people find the list interesting even though I am not going to do anything else than just write you a plain list. I could list reasons why I did pick the songs what I did, but I won't go there. I'm just way too afraid to do that.

Figurehead by the Cure
Where I End and You Begin by the Radiohead
Logical Song performed by Supertramp (from Magnolia)
Mad World performed by Michael Andrews
Kahellaan by Mariska
Born Slippy by Underworld
Uniklubi
The Bitter End by Placebo
Letters by Leonard Cohen

I'm highly secretive and protective when it comes to my music taste. I often tend to give people the wrong image what I listen. That is more or less intentional misinformation I give. Sometimes I feel the music is mine, and nobody else is going to touch it. There are two or three people close to me, who seem to think the same way I do when it comes to this. There is a certain person, who is more than familiar and totally in compliance with my taste. The ironic part about this whole scheme comes later in this entry.

But, I think it's time for happier subjects.

I'm broke, at least I was able to buy the gifts for Christmas.
I'm broke, got a letter from the bank. It seems that my government backed student loan package has reached its highest point. Getting hopeless by now, to ever pay it back.
I missed the doctor, I was supposed to get my thyroid levels checked again, but I was a lazy shit and did nothing to improve my condition. Sad I am.
I'm running out of SSRI medication, and I really haven't got the money to buy the pills next month. I think I'll run to the city's social benefactories and demand money or I'll hit the city official with a snowball. I'm sure that will help.
I am a depressed fuck. I am unable to stand up from this situation. It can get only better. Or worse. Once I thought I have met the bottom of all this, but then I was wrong. It only went worse.
I am rapidly losing invaluable state pensionary guaranteed months to study, and at some point I will be kicked out from the school. Not anytime soon, but sooner or later. And as it seems, I don't give a fuck anymore. Here I come open university.

I do have a backup plan. I'll rob the bank, get a forged passport and hit the road. It'll work. I think I have everything under control. Life is at my hands. I can control it, really. I wrote about this life-control and other themes quite close to this in the earlier entries. I suggest you to read them if you already haven't.

It is weird. I'm quite happy now. By ordinary human set standards my life isn't life at all. I am walking, barely alive, a human wreck. It seems that I can channel all these things that try to shutdown my life, bog down my pace, end my journey, to positive energy. Crap, I don't believe in energy at all! I'm just so stupid there is no way I am going to stop because the Entity of All wants me to shutdown, completely! I think it's time for the Universe and All Existance to meet Master Bates and release some pressure. It'll help. I'm just an open vent, a valve pushing steam out endlessly.

Have a nice, and most of all, white Christmas

---

I know what my literature teacher would say about this text once seen. No rhytm, main point being the lack of point. I jump from topic to topic and let my writing style change way too rapidly. But she gave me straight A's, and loved my Kalle Päätalo essay and presentation very much. At least I got some courses passed with flying colours. It's not that I am a poor student, nothing like that. It seems that my physics prevent me to succeed, and I am sort of chained by the mortal me, when the spirit wants go higher, reach the levels where I would be able to show my true potential.

Nothing gets me down. Life's a bitch, and then you die. One thing is for sure, my life is a bitch, but I don't whine. I'm happy the way I am. Isn't it nice that I can smile, and live relatively happy life even though I have so little to be happy about? I wanted to share my so called misery with a very certain person, who has, as far as I am aware, and done my own observations, lots of problems to worry about, and to angst about. I wanted to take this person into my life, and be the opposite force, the anti-side of the person's negative attitude. See, I should be the one, who's about to commit a suicide, but somehow I can just keep on going and smile and enjoy life. There is a point in this writing. I have stated it many times, but I am going to be straight and state the obvious, yet again. I want to be sure that everyone understands. My life, as we know it, isn't worth living. Through this person's life I am able to live my own life, the person I'm talking about, on the another hand, able to see my main motifs in life, what keeps me going. I have a base attitude of being positive and seeing the bright sides. I have this odd feeling, that I have already experienced so much, and so many things that could have ruined me as a human being, can no longer harm me. I am sure, that any other person, taken randomly from a group, would, most certainly, crush under the pressure I am now going trough.





I didn't have a plan B, really. I shouldn't give a fuck, but I do. I'm afraid, actually, I am terrified by these problems, a basket full of them.

I'll dust it off, I didn't first succeed. I'll dust it off and try again. I can be quite persuasive. But, this certain person I'll leave alone, and will never do anything like what I did before. Not now, I don't want to break anything, not by my own will. And all I got was this lousy feeling, anyways. And a friendship, yes. A good friend. One of the best. My feelings, concerning the friendship, are as genuine as humanly possible. I don't consider this awkward or otherwise a mistake of some sort. The friendship could have been broken.
Opossumi on 12.24.04 @ 08:07 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

Don't be hard on yourself

I'm sad. It seems that the friend I spoke about isn't doing the right thing. He has all the qualities and possessions to turn his life into a new direction, 180 degree turnpike. I'm too tired to think about this. I think I have these problems of my own to sort out. I don't need to take any extra burden to think about and to caress about. Tomorrow I'll hit the road and spend my holidays far away at home. I am expecting good company, good food and some nice little presents to give and have.

Here's a nice little picture for you all. Obviously, it takes a genius to comprehend the products I've sketched. Well, there is a fish. And the thing just next to the big mouth of the fish, is a mass of something ... The abstract-looking objects, whose being red and blue, are resembling human beings. And the fish is hungry! I think the picture is just hilarious. Believe me! I'm not cracking up this time! (Really!) And merry Christmas everyone!

Opossumi on 12.22.04 @ 11:14 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

Wasted

music: Coldplay

I think I just understood something very profound about being human. I thought my misery was the culmination of humane pain. I read someone's blog. I must have been selfish, it seems that I am not all alone with these problems which never seem to end. I've read the blog before, in earlier occasions. I just bookmarked my fourth regularly read blog. I hope that my blog makes the person realise, that he is not alone, definitely not alone. It takes people, who have seen the bottom, to understand and see those people, who are alone in their lonely angst.

A close friend of mine just raised himself above the limit of being a cracked-up and wasted person. I wish him all the best luck. I felt sad that I was left alone to stand below the line of being happy. Now I realise, that I am not the only one, and there are certainly lots of people like me, being in the same situation, being alone, being confused and awed by the life itself. Life on Earth is madness. I'm sure that it will take me another 20 years to realise how my life is supposed to live. I'm quite confident, that I will reach a certain level of happiness. I am not sure when that day is to come, but I'm sure it is there, lurking and waiting. I might as well speed-up my pace and close on the gap.
Opossumi on 12.22.04 @ 08:50 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

A dear friend of mine started his very own blog yesterday. I must have something to do with it, always suggesting and telling how nice this is. Blog can offer a medium to refine your thoughts. It does require some thinking before hitting the send button. I think that thoughts put to blogs are somehow more mature and more refined than the ordinary, because you're willing to put some effort into. Anyhow. This day has been Hell on Earth. I'm feeling rather down and there's hardly anything to make me feel better in the state where I am. I think I have dealed most of these depressing and down-moody thoughts already, but I guess the ultimate relief will come eventually, with time, as it passes.

I read an article about frogs today. I felt like doing my own version of a happy frog. Meet the happy frog, Rogger Frogger, who's about to get killed in a French kitchen. A real treat.

Opossumi on 12.22.04 @ 07:22 PM EET [link] [No Comments]

Think about it

I'm not interested who you are, what you do or why you are reading this blog

"Of course I can say some things that are obvious, but our emotions are not always capable of taking logic ... we would not be human if logic helped us - we would be machines"

Reason that. I have always kept myself in high value regarding human emotions. My friend said to me, that the logic and the realisation isn't helping because the human emotion is so strong. It overrides all higher cortial brain functions.

I have had my share. All I hope is, once for a while, there would be some good news for me.

And the mind plays terrible tricks ... You imagine such terrible things

I have many times told to my friends, that I often feel like I don't have any control to my life. That's basically how it is. Some people have a family, a job, financial issues and so much in their lives that keep them pinned down to it. All these things, they may not be wanted, and they're controlling your life. You want to break apart from that life, but you can't. One can't leave them behind, not because you would not want to, but because you can't. It just isn't a decision for you to make.

I am pinned down. I really haven't got any options. When I realistically analyse my own situation, I see nothing. The prospects once were there, but now gone. I can't leave this stuff behind, even though I want to. I can't, because I can't. I wish I had the ability to control my own life the way I want.

What I have realised is that human being is not meant to live alone. I think it is funny. You miss someone to your life so much that it is driving you crazy, literally, and when you have one, you are kind of hoping to be alone. I wonder what my case would be.

I have said so many things in this posting already. I think they all make sense. I'm hoping that there are more than just two readers able to comprehend the themes I just discussed. Don't feel bad if you didn't get any insights from the text above. You are the lucky one if you were unable to identify yourself from the above.
Opossumi on 12.22.04 @ 02:14 AM EET [link] [1 Comment]

The man and his Boss suit

music: Jacques Loussier Trio
mood: Terrific

The man is drinking some liquid. I bet there is alcohol in it. It looks rather funky-coloured liquid. Pink, reddish with a touch of blue. He's got a microphone. I wonder what he is speaking. He could be an announcer, perhaps doing a radio morning show. But the suit is way too nice for that sort of job. Expensive looking suit. Boss suit. I could never afford.

What's the fuzzy-box thing in his face and eyes. It looks disturbing. - It gives me the Fear. Makes me feel anxiety. There is a heart. A symbol for one. A real heart hardly looks like that. I remember the classes in upper-comprehensive school, when we had biology. The teacher gave us a cow's (or a pig's) heart to toy with. Those two things don't have anything in common. Except the colour.

I wonder why the heart is patched to the background like that. Like it has been knitted or stapled there. I guess it would fall off if someone wouldn't have done so, played with the stapler.
Opossumi on 12.22.04 @ 12:19 AM EET [link] [1 Comment]

Putting wires together

music: Banco de Gaia
mood: Couldn't be any worse

I think I got this thing online ... One more cable, go in there, damnit ... *beep* - Ah! This blog seems to work! What an unexpected event this is. I've been tuning this blog-software for a while ... a moment ago it really surprised me by ruining the codebase and so forcing me to reinstall the whole lot. The last few hours I've been tweaking the codebase and doing some major template-related changes. I think this Greymatter has been the best publishing software I've ever used, including its commercial counterparts, which I've had a priviledge to test from time to time. Thank you, dear Noah Grey, for this excellent piece of free-software.

I'm sure most of you are now thinking, that why on earth I changed the language of my blog. - Because I have the Fear, dear boy. First of all, I do have many foreign friends, those being native Americans or British, and a bunch more or less English-speaking friends located all over the world. Maybe I'm happily and naively thinking, that this blog could give them an insight they wouldn't get in any other case. I also do have my own motifs that I won't specify any further than this.

post script

I hope you all do like the picture on the top of this blog. The raw picture is processed and delivered to me by my friend Ville, and I took the liberty to do some major addons and changes to it. Basically I rescaled it down, took the logos and text out, did some tweaking to the colours, and did a total greyscale conversion in the end. I think it's nice. I hope it manages to represent the feelings I'm feeling, concurrently. The picture could have been a little bit darker than just that, but if I ever want to dig myself up from this grave I've made my home, there's really no reason for more depressing art.

I wish comments about this layout. Write something nice for a while. I think I've gotten my part of the shit the world has got to offer.

Opossumi on 12.21.04 @ 08:29 PM EET [link]